Notes

Context:
JLB 116, 5/28/1877: "Right now all the people are leaving the dockyard to go home, that's nice to see. One hears them already early in the morning, I think there are around 3,000 of them, the sound of their footsteps is something like the sound of the sea."

Context:
BVG 97, 5/28/1877: "I hear them already early in the morning; I think there are about 3,000 of them, and the sound of their footsteps is like the roaring of the sea."
JLB 116, 5/28/1877: "One hears them already early in the morning, I think there are around 3,000 of them, the sound of their footsteps is something like the sound of the sea."

Context:
JLB 136, 12/3/1877-12/4/1877: "There goes the bell, and the whole stream of workers is coming towards the gate, and with them the lamplighter to light the street-lamp in the square behind the house."

Context:
JLB 128, 8/27/1877: "Last week at the dockyard a ship (monitor the Draak)."

Context:
BVG 103, 7/27/1877: "Generally I get up at a very early hour; before the sun rises over the naval yard and the labourers arrive, my window offers me a magnificent spectacle …"
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Am quite often up rather early in the morning, and when the sun rises over the yard and the workers come a while later it's a wonderful sight from the window …"

Context:
BVG 107, 8/27/1877: "When I go there, I look at them carefully; he who must learn to work must watch the workers, especially if he has a little study right among the workshops; for just as large and small ships are under construction in a shipyard, gradually finished and then launched, so in a study, large and small works are planned, carried on by 'patient continuance in well doing,' and finished with God's help."
JLB 128, 8/27/1877: "… whenever I go there I take a good look at them, if one wants to learn how to work oneself one must pay attention to the workers, and to the workshops if one has a little study, for just as in a shipyard there are smaller and larger ships that are eventually finished and launched, in a study there are larger and smaller works planned and carried on 'by patient continuance in well doing' and completed with God's blessing."

Context:
BVG 107, 8/27/1877: "When I go there, I look at them carefully; he who must learn to work must watch the workers, especially if he has a little study right among the workshops; for just as large and small ships are under construction in a shipyard, gradually finished and then launched, so in a study, large and small works are planned, carried on by ' patient continuance in well doing,' and finished with God's help."
JLB 128, 8/27/1877: "… whenever I go there I take a good look at them, if one wants to learn how to work oneself one must pay attention to the workers, and to the workshops if one has a little study, for just as in a shipyard there are smaller and larger ships that are eventually finished and launched, in a study there are larger and smaller works planned and carried on 'by patient continuance in well doing' and completed with God's blessing."

Context:
BVG 107, 8/27/1877: "When I go there, I look at them carefully; he who must learn to work must watch the workers, especially if he has a little study right among the workshops; for just as large and small ships are under construction in a shipyard, gradually finished and then launched, so in a study, large and small works are planned, carried on by 'patient continuance in well doing,' and finished with God's help."
JLB 128, 8/27/1877: "… whenever I go there I take a good look at them, if one wants to learn how to work oneself one must pay attention to the workers, and to the workshops if one has a little study, for just as in a shipyard there are smaller and larger ships that are eventually finished and launched, in a study there are larger and smaller works planned and carried on 'by patient continuance in well doing' and completed with God's blessing."

Context:
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "A terrible storm blew up here this morning at quarter to 5, a little while later the first stream of workers came through the gate of the dockyard in the pouring rain."

Context:
JLB 131, 9/18/1877: "Walked back over the big sand."

Context:
JLB 131, 9/18/1877: "Walked back over the big sand works by the Oosterspoor which you know, and along Buitenkant, the moon was shining and everything was full of M. Maris or Andersen. From there it's such a wonderful sight across the city and towers, with lights here and there, on one side the IJ and on the other Bickerseiland."

Context:
JLB 132, 10/21/1877: "Sometimes it's good to persevere and get on with it."

Context:
JLB 134, 11/19/1877: "An entrance exam has been held at the university here for the first time -- it's here in the city that I'll sit the exam as well. In addition to the usual 4 subjects of Latin, Greek, algebra and geometry, they also tested history, geography and Dutch."

Context:
JLB 134, 11/19/1877: "Because when I started they said that 2 years would be necessary for the first 4 subjects mentioned, whereas if I should pass in October, I'll have done more in an even shorter time."

Context:
JLB 134, 11/19/1877: "Because when I started they said that 2 years would be necessary for the first 4 subjects mentioned, whereas if I should pass in October, I'll have done more in an even shorter time."

Context:
BVG 113, 11/19/1877: " May God grant me the necessary wisdom and grant my wishes, that He will allow me to end my studies as early as possible in order that I become ordained, so that I can perform the duties of a clergyman."
JLB 134, 11/19/1877: " May God give me the wisdom I need and grant me my heart's desire, namely to complete my studies as soon as possible and to be inducted into a living and the practical duties of a minister."

Context:
JLB 116, 5/28/1877: "Today was stormy, on my way to my lessons this morning I looked towards the Zuiderzee from the bridge."

Context:
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "Have taken pains to find a teacher of Algebra and Geometry and have succeeded, namely a cousin of Mendes, Teixeira de Mattos, a teacher at the Jewish School for the Poor."

Context:
JLB 125, 8/3/1877: "Our life is very similar to a journey, and open to very many and very great catastrophes and accidents. The nature of Odysseus, and the grapes of the vineyard'."

Context:
JLB 114, 5/19/1877: "One of these days I'll be starting General History from the book by Streckfuss, or rather, I've already started it. It won't be easy, but taking it one step at a time and doing it well must surely produce results, this I fervently hope."

Context:
JLB 142, 3/3/1878: "Have worked my way through the history of the Netherlands and made an extract of 30 pages, closely written."

Context:
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "I'm now collecting Latin and Greek themes and all kinds of writings on history and so on. Am working on one on the Reformation that's getting rather long."

Context:
JLB 129, 9/4/1877: "Am also busy copying out the whole of L'imitation de Jésus Christ from a French edition I've borrowed from Uncle Cor, that book is sublime, and he who wrote it must have been a man after God's heart; had such an irresistible yearning for that book a few days ago, perhaps because I look at that lithograph after [Luis] Ruipérez so often, and asked Uncle Cor if I could borrow it."

Context:
BVG 108, 9/4/1877: "A few days ago such an irresistible longing for that book came over me -- perhaps because I so often look at the lithograph after Ruyperez -- that I asked Uncle Cor to lend it to me; now I am copying it in the evening: it means much work, but I have finished most of it, and I know no better way to study it."JLB 129, 9/4/1877: "… had such an irresistible yearning for that book a few days ago, perhaps because I look at that lithograph after Ruipérez so often, and asked Uncle Cor if I could borrow it. Now I sit here in the evenings writing it out, it's a lot of work but a good part of it is done, and I know no better way of getting some of it into my head."

Context:
JLB 128, 8/27/1877: "Can go and sit in my bedroom, but there the temptation to rest is too great when it's late, and there's no gas in my little study."

Context:
JLB 128, 8/27/1877: "I could do it anyway, but Uncle's bedroom is nearby, so I have to be quiet."

Context:
BVG 107, 8/27/1877: "… I can sit in my bedroom, but there the temptation to go to bed when it is getting late is too strong, and there is no gas in my little study."
JLB 128, 8/27/1877: "Can go and sit in my bedroom, but there the temptation to rest is too great when it's late, and there's no gas in my little study."

Context:
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "I've worked my way through the history of the Old Testament up to Samuel, this evening I'll start with Kings, when that work is finished, it will be a valuable thing to have."

Context:
JLB 127, 8/18/1877: "Wrote a text in which all the parables are listed in order and the miracles and so on, and am also doing the same in English and French, expecting Latin and Greek to be added later on, may it come to pass!"

Context:
JLB 127, 8/18/1877: "Wrote a text in which all the parables are listed in order and the miracles and so on, and am also doing the same in English and French, expecting Latin and Greek to be added later on, may it come to pass!"

Context:
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "Wrote a text in which all the parables are listed in order and the miracles and so on, and am also doing the same in English and French, expecting Latin and Greek to be added later on, may it come to pass!"

Context:
BVG 96, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "I am engrossed in the study of the Bible, but only in the evenings, when my day's labours are done, or in the early morning -- after all, it is the Bible that is essential -- though my duty is to devote myself to other study, which I do."
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "I've already begun studying the Bible, but only in the evenings, when I've finished my work for the day, or early in the morning -- after all, that's the most important thing -- even though it's now my duty to dedicate myself to studying other things, which I do, of course."

Context: BVG 113, 11/19/1877: "I apply myself to these studies with the tenacity of a dog that gnaws a bone; I should also like to know the grammar, history and geography of the Nordic countries, particularly those countries that border on the North Sea and the Channel."
JLB 134, 11/19/1877: "So I have to study these just as diligently as a dog gnaws a bone, and similarly I should like to know the languages, history and geography of the northern countries, i.e. those around the North Sea and the English Channel."

Context:
BVG 95, 5/19/1877: "There's a lot of work to do already and it isn't easy, but with steadfastness one should get used to it."
JLB 114, 5/19/1877: "I have a lot of work already, and it isn't easy, but meekness will help one to get used to it."

Context:
BVG 101, 6/12/1877: "'Not a day without a line'; by writing, reading, working and practicing daily, perseverance will lead me to a good end."
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "'No day without a line', daily writing, reading, working and practicing, with meekness and perseverance, will surely lead to something" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 108, 9/4/1877: "As you know, it is no small undertaking, and we do not know the result; but at all events I will try to fight the good fight."
JLB 129, 9/4/1877: "It is, as you well know, no small undertaking, and we don't know the outcome, and so in any case I want to try and fight a good fight."

Context:
BVG 103, 7/27/1877: "The other day I met a young man who had just passed his entrance examination for Leyden University. It is not easy -- he told me what they had asked him. But I must keep courage; with God's help I will pass, and the other examinations too."
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Recently spoke to a young man who had just done his entrance examination for the Leiden college with a good result -- it isn't easy, he told me what they asked him, but I do keep up my courage, and with God's help I'll pass them, and the following examinations as well."

Context:
BVG 101, 6/12/1877: "The days fly by. I am four years older than you are, and probably they seem to go more swiftly to me than to you, but I fight against it by stretching them a little in the morning and evening."
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "The days fly past, I'm four years older than you and I feel that they probably go by faster for me than for you, but I fight against it by stretching them out a bit in the mornings and evenings."

Context:
BVG 106, 8/18/1877: "In the daytime I have to prepare for Mendes, and so I am doing it late in the evening, or for instance as today, deep in the night or early in the morning."
JLB 127, 8/18/1877: "During the day I'm busy studying for Mendes, and so work on it late in the evening or, for example, today until late at night and in the morning."

Context:
BVG 108, 9/4/1877: " I must sit up as long as I can keep my eyes open tonight, so I will close this, but if I have any time left, I will fill up the page later."
JLB 129, 9/4/1877: " Have to stay up this evening as long as I can keep my eyes open and so end this; if I have time, I'll finish this page."

Context:
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "When I arrived, His Reverence was taking his afternoon nap and I was requested to go for a half-hour walk, which I did, fortunately I had that little book by Lamennais in my pocket and I read under the trees lining the canals …"

Context:
JLB 127, 8/18/1877: "But for the time being I'm not leaving town on Sundays, I simply may not."

Context:
JLB 126, 8/5/1877: "I found a couple of stamps enclosed in your letter, for which I sincerely thank you, you also said you would send a postal order so that I could come to The Hague and see the exhibition of drawings. The postal order indeed arrived today, Sunday morning, I thank you for it and for your kind offer, but I'm sending the money back and am not coming, however much I'd like to see all the beautiful and interesting things you wrote about."

Context:
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: "… that Oudezijdskapel is in a very narrow street, Zeedijk, near the part of Buitenkant called 'the old tar-yards' and near Warmoesstraat. It's a very nice part of town and reminds one of the heart of London, like Booksellers' Row or some such place."

Context:
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: "There were very few people in the church, apart from the orphan boys and orphan girls with their red and black clothes, who filled a large part of the little old church nonetheless."

Context:
JLB 144, 5/19/1878: "It was his turn to preach in the Oudezijdskapel, where the boys from the orphanage and those from the nautical college usually go."

Context:
BVG 101a, 7/9/1877: "I often hear Uncle Stricker; what he says is very good, and he preaches with much warmth and true feeling."
JLB 121, 7/9/1877: "I often hear Uncle Stricker, and what he says is very good, and he speaks with much warmth and feeling."

Context:
JLB 119, 6/4/1877-6/5/1877: "Went to the early sermon yesterday morning, heard a sermon on the text 'Wilt thou be made whole?', how they that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. Afterwards I heard Uncle Stricker in the Amstelkerk that you know on 2 Cor. 4:18, 'for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal'."

Context:
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: "Last week I spent an evening at the old Rev. Meijjes's and met his son there, the Rev. Jeremie Meijjes."

Context:
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "Paid a visit yesterday to the Rev. Meijjes and his wife, because Pa had told me to do this, and I had tea with them."

Context:
BVG 102, 7/15/1877: "I watched him leave the pulpit and pass through the church after the sermon; that tall, noble figure, that pale, tired face and the noble head, and the hair already mixed with grey, made a deep impression upon me."
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: "Saw him coming from the pulpit and walking through the church after the sermon, and that tall, noble figure and that tired, pale face and that noble head, the hair already showing some grey, made a great impression on me."

Context:
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Last Sunday morning I made a nice excursion, namely first to the early sermon, the Rev. Posthumus Meijjes in the Noorderkerk, then to Bickerseiland, where I walked on the dyke along the IJ until it was time for church again, and then to the Eilandskerk where Uncle Stricker preached."

Context:
JLB 126, 8/5/1877: "Was up rather early this morning and left around 6 o'clock for the early service, afterwards I walked down all sorts of old streets and would have liked to have you with me."

Context:
JLB 126, 8/5/1877: "Was up rather early this morning and left around 6 o'clock for the early service, afterwards I walked down all sorts of old streets and would have liked to have you with me."

Context:
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: "When I left here it was raining, and also when leaving the church, though during the sermon the sun had been shining brightly through the windows."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "Because I have such a frightful number of stone thresholds and church floors and stone stoops of houses under my eyes and feet, I hit on the idea of making those maps of rocky Scotland and colouring them (red and green)."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "Because here in town I've seen and walked over so awfully many doorsteps and church floors and flights of steps up to houses, it occurred to me to make those maps of rocky Scotland, and while colouring them in (green and red) …"

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "… Mendes certainly is a very remarkable person, and I am and will remain grateful for my contact with him."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "… Mendes certainly is a very remarkable person, and I'm happy and grateful for my contact with him."

Context:
BVG 116, 12/9/1877: "Mendes gave me the works of Claudius, also a good, serious book; I had sent him Thomae Kempensis, De Imitatione Christi, and on the flyleaf I wrote: " In him there is neither Jew nor Greek, nor servant nor master, nor man nor woman, but Christ is all and in all."
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "From Mendes I received the works of Claudius, also a good, solid book; I had sent him Thomae Kempensis de imitatione Christi and written in the front, There is neither Jew nor Greek in Him, neither bond nor free, neither male nor female: but Christ is all, and in all."

Context:
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Mendes has given me every reason to believe that at the end of three months we'll be as far as he imagined we would be if everything went well."

Context:
BVG 97, 5/28/1877: "The work does not come to me so easily and quickly as I could wish, but practice makes perfect, I hope; only if I could, I should like to skip a few years, my boy."
JLB 116, 5/28/1877: "The work and writing don't yet go as fast and easily as I'd wish, but I hope to learn by practice, but, old boy, if I could I'd like to skip over a few years …"

Context:
BVG 95, 5/19/1877: "There's a lot of work to do already and it isn't easy, but with steadfastness one should get used to it."
JLB 114, 5/19/1877: "I have a lot of work already, and it isn't easy, but meekness will help one to get used to it."

Context:
BVG 97, 5/28/1877: "The work does not come to me so easily and quickly as I could wish, but practice makes perfect, I hope; only if I could, I should like to skip a few years, my boy."
JLB 116, 5/28/1877: "The work and writing don't yet go as fast and easily as I'd wish, but I hope to learn by practice, but, old boy, if I could I'd like to skip over a few years …"

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "My head is sometimes heavy and often it burns and my thoughts are confused -- I don't see how I shall ever get that difficult and extensive study into it -- to get used to and persevere in simple regular study after all those emotional years is not always easy."
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "My head is sometimes numb and is often burning hot, and my thoughts are confused -- how shall I ever get all that difficult and detailed study into it? -- I don't know -- after those turbulent years, becoming accustomed to plain, well-ordered work and persevering in it isn't always easy."

Context:
JLB 119, 6/4/1877-6/5/1877: "This evening I have to go to Uncle Stricker's."

Context:
JLB 106, 3/8/1877: "Would you also ask for me that a way be found for me to devote my life, more so than is now the case, to the service of Him and the gospel? I continue to insist and I believe that I'll be heard, I say this in all humility."

Context:
BVG 96, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "Yesterday morning, I went to church; in the sermon was the text: "I quarrel eternally with mankind," I heard an explanation that after a period of disappointment and pain, one gets to a time of life where our fervent desires and wishes are fulfilled at a stroke."
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "Yesterday morning I went to the early service and heard a sermon, 'I shall not always strive with man', how after a time of disappointment and grief in life a time may come when one's innermost desires and wishes may be fulfilled."

Context:
BVG 92, 3/7/1877: " Humanly speaking, one would say it cannot happen, but when I think seriously about it and penetrate under the surface of what is impossible to man, then my soul is in communion with God, for it is possible to Him, who speaks and it is done; who commands and it stands fast."
JLB 106, 3/8/1877: " One might say it isn't humanly possible, but if I think about it more seriously and delve beneath the surface of what is humanly impossible, then truly my soul waiteth upon God, for it is possible for Him who speaks, and it is done, who commands, and it stands, and it stands fast."

Context:
BVG 99, 5/31/1877: "And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: and after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a small still voice."
JLB 118, 5/31/1877: "And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: and after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice."

Context:
BVG 92, 3/7/1877: "Humanly speaking, one would say it cannot happen, but when I think seriously about it and penetrate under the surface of what is impossible to man, then my soul is in communion with God, for it is possible to Him, who speaks and it is done; who commands and it stands fast."
JLB 106, 3/8/1877: "One might say it isn't humanly possible, but if I think about it more seriously and delve beneath the surface of what is humanly impossible, then truly my soul waiteth upon God, for it is possible for Him who speaks, and it is done, who commands, and it stands, and it stands fast."

Context:
JLB 126, 8/5/1877: "… even now it isn't always easy to fight against distractions."

Context:
JLB 126, 8/5/1877: "I like to walk in those old, narrow, rather sombre streets with chemists' shops, lithographers and other printers, shops with sea-charts and warehouses for ships' victuals and so on, ... everything is evocative there."

Context:
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: "Last week Mendes told me about a very interesting part of the city, namely the area extending from the Leidsepoort (thus close to Vondelpark) to the Hollandsche Spoor station. Went there yesterday, I knew part of it already, and you do too, I think, namely the part near the station. There are a great many mills, saw-mills, workers' houses with little gardens, old houses too, of all kinds, and very populous, and the area is criss-crossed by all kinds of small canals and waterways full of barges, and all kinds of picturesque bridges and so on."

Context:
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "This takes one past the Jodenkerkhof, which I visited as well. It's very simple, full of old tombstones standing upright with Hebrew inscriptions and elderberries here and there, and covered with long, dark grass."

Context:
BVG 101, 6/12/1877: "I also walked to the Zuider Zee again; it is forty minutes from here, along a dyke from which one can see meadows and farms all around."
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "Also took another walk to the Zuiderzee, which is forty minutes from here, over a dyke from which one sees meadows everywhere and farms."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "I cling to the church for aid and to the bookshops; I invent some errand to go there whenever possible."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "I also cling to the church and to the bookshops, if I can think of an errand to do there I do it."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "So often, in the past too, a visit to a bookshop has cheered me and reminded me that there are good things in the world."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "(So often, in the past as well, a visit to a bookshop has cheered me up and reminded me that there are good things in the world.)"

Context:
BVG 101, 6/12/1877: "I have studied through the Old Testament up to Samuel; tonight I begin with the Kings, and when that is finished it will be something worth while.” "
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "I've worked my way through the history of the Old Testament up to Samuel, this evening I'll start with Kings, when that work is finished, it will be a valuable thing to have.” "

Context:
JLB 126, 8/5/1877: "… if I had money perhaps I'd quickly spend it on books and other things that I can well do without, and which would pull me away from the studies necessary at the moment, even now it isn't always easy to fight against distractions, and if I had money things would only get worse."

Context:
BVG 108, 9/4/1877: "I wish the days were longer so I could accomplish more, for it is not always easy work, and even continuous plodding gives but meager satisfaction."
JLB 129, 9/4/1877: "… and would even so much like the days to be a little longer in order to get more done, because it's not always easy work, and even if one has been at it for some time, it gives but little satisfaction …"

Context:
BVG 103, 7/27/1877: "But Greek lessons in the heart of Amsterdam, in the heart of the Jewish quarter, on a hot and stifling summer afternoon, with the feeling that many difficult examinations await you, arranged by very learned and shrewd professors -- I can tell you they can be more oppressive than the Brabant cornfields; which are lovely on a day like today! But as Uncle Jan says, we must always "push on."
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Still, Greek lessons in the heart of Amsterdam, in the heart of the Jewish quarter on a very warm and oppressive summer afternoon, with the feeling hanging over me that many difficult examinations will have to be taken, set by very learned and cunning professors, are rather more oppressive than a walk on the beach or in the Brabant wheatfields, which will certainly be beautiful now, on a day like that. But we must 'strive on' through everything, as Uncle Jan says."

Context:
BVG 103, 7/27/1877: "But Greek lessons in the heart of Amsterdam, in the heart of the Jewish quarter, on a hot and stifling summer afternoon, with the feeling that many difficult examinations await you, arranged by very learned and shrewd professors -- I can tell you they can be more oppressive than the Brabant cornfields; which are lovely on a day like today! But as Uncle Jan says, we must always "push on."
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Still, Greek lessons in the heart of Amsterdam, in the heart of the Jewish quarter on a very warm and oppressive summer afternoon, with the feeling hanging over me that many difficult examinations will have to be taken, set by very learned and cunning professors, are rather more oppressive than a walk on the beach or in the Brabant wheatfields, which will certainly be beautiful now, on a day like that. But we must 'strive on' through everything, as Uncle Jan says."

Context:
BVG 108, 9/4/1877: "I wish the days were longer so I could accomplish more, for it is not always easy work, and even continuous plodding gives but meager satisfaction."
JLB 129, 9/4/1877: "… and would even so much like the days to be a little longer in order to get more done, because it's not always easy work, and even if one has been at it for some time, it gives but little satisfaction …"

Context:
BVG 108, 9/4/1877: "Well, I am convinced that what is difficult is right, even though one sees no results."
JLB 129, 9/4/1877: "… what is difficult is good, I feel convinced of that even if one sees no results."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "When I think of the past, -- when I think of the future of almost invincible difficulties, of much and difficult work, which I do not like, which I, or rather my evil self, would like to shirk …"
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "When I think of the past -- when I think of the future, of nearly insurmountable difficulties, of much and difficult work which I have no passion for, which I -- the evil part of me, that is -- would prefer to avoid …"

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "When I think of the past, -- when I think of the future of almost invincible difficulties, of much and difficult work, which I do not like, which I, or rather my evil self, would like to shirk; when I think the eyes of so many are fixed on me, -- who will know where the fault is, if I do not succeed, who will not make me trivial reproaches, but as they are well tried and trained in everything that is right and virtuous and fine gold, they will say, as it were by the expression of their faces: we have helped you and have been a light unto you, -- we have done for you what we could, have you tried honestly? What is now our reward and the fruit of our labour?"
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "When I think of the past -- when I think of the future, of nearly insurmountable difficulties, of much and difficult work which I have no passion for, which I -- the evil part of me, that is -- would prefer to avoid, when I think of the eyes of so many that are fixed upon me -- who, if I do not succeed, will know the reason why -- who will not utter any ordinary reproaches but who, because they have been tried and are well versed in what is good and proper and fine gold, as it were, will say it by the expression on their faces: we helped you and have been a light unto you -- we did for you what we could. Did you sincerely desire it? What are our wages and the fruits of our labours?"

Context:
BVG 98, F5/30/1877: "And yet I go on, but prudently and hoping to have strength to resist those things, so that I shall know what to answer to those reproaches that threaten me, and believing that notwithstanding everything that seems against me, I yet shall reach the aim I am striving for, and if God wills it, shall find favour in the eyes of some I love and in the eyes of those that will come after me."
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "And yet -- I go on -- but with caution and in the hope that I'll succeed in warding off all these things, so that I can somehow answer all the reproaches that threaten, trusting that in spite of everything that seems to be against me I shall attain that thing that I desire, and, God willing, shall find grace in the eyes of some whom I love, and in the eyes of those who shall come after me."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "And yet I go on, but prudently and hoping to have strength to resist those things, so that I shall know what to answer to those reproaches that threaten me, and believing that notwithstanding everything that seems against me, I yet shall reach the aim I am striving for, and if God wills it, shall find favour in the eyes of some I love and in the eyes of those that will come after me."
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "And yet -- I go on -- but with caution and in the hope that I'll succeed in warding off all these things, so that I can somehow answer all the reproaches that threaten, trusting that in spite of everything that seems to be against me I shall attain that thing that I desire, and, God willing, shall find grace in the eyes of some whom I love, and in the eyes of those who shall come after me."

Context:
BVG 106, 8/18/1877: "It was Aunt Mina's birthday last Sunday, and being there that evening, Uncle Stricker asked me a few things about my work, and did not seem to be dissatisfied ... I feel that I have made some progress."
JLB 127, 8/18/1877: "Aunt Mina's birthday was last Sunday and, as I was there that evening, Uncle Stricker asked me a thing or two and didn't seem dissatisfied."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "And yet we are so much attached to the old life, because next to our despondent moods we have our happy moments when heart and soul rejoice, like the lark that cannot keep from singing in the morning, even though the soul sometimes sinks within us and is fearful."
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "And yet we are so attached to that old life because there is cheerfulness to counter despondency, and our heart and our soul are gladdened, just as the lark who cannot help singing in the morning, even if our soul is sometimes cast down within us and is disquieted in us."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "And yet we are so much attached to the old life, because next to our despondent moods we have our happy moments when heart and soul rejoice, like the lark that cannot keep from singing in the morning, even though the soul sometimes sinks within us and is fearful."
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "And yet we are so attached to that old life because there is cheerfulness to counter despondency, and our heart and our soul are gladdened, just as the lark who cannot help singing in the morning, even if our soul is sometimes cast down within us and is disquieted in us."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "And yet I go on; if we are tired isn't it then because we have already walked a long way, and if it is true that man has his battle to fight on earth, is not then the feeling of weariness and the burning of the head a sign that we have been struggling?"
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "And yet I go on, if we're tired, isn't it because we've already gone a long way, and if it's true that man's life on earth is a struggle, isn't feeling tired and having a burning head a sign that we have struggled?"

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: " My head is sometimes heavy and often it burns and my thoughts are confused -- and if it is true that man has his battle to fight on earth, is not then the feeling of weariness and the burning of the head a sign that we have been struggling?"
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: " My head is sometimes numb and is often burning hot, and my thoughts are confused -- and if it's true that man's life on earth is a struggle, isn't feeling tired and having a burning head a sign that we have struggled?"

Context:
JLB 136, 12/3/1877-12/4/1877: "Just now, too, the figure of Uncle Jan with his long grey hair …"

Context:
JLB 125, 8/3/1877: "Was also with Uncle [Abraham] Pompe and Jan on the guard-ship the Wassenaar …"

Context:
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "Yesterday (Sunday) afternoon I went with Uncle Jan to Baarn, how beautiful it is there, we walked in the wood in the avenues of spruce and beech trees and saw the sun go down behind the oak copse."

Context:
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "I'm no longer allowed to sit up late in the evenings, Uncle has very strictly forbidden it …"

Context:
BVG 103, 7/27/1877: "But as Uncle Jan says, we must always 'push on.'"
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "But we must 'strive on' through everything, as Uncle Jan says."

Context:
JLB 130, 9/7/1877: "Now we also have plans to go to Uncle Stricker's (because I've been invited to eat there today and will simply risk it and take him along) …"

Context:
JLB 125, 8/3/1877: "I go to Uncle Stricker's study quite a lot. He's very clever and has lots of beautiful books, and he has a great love for his work and his position."

Context:
JLB 125, 8/3/1877: "I go to Uncle Stricker's study quite a lot. He's very clever and has lots of beautiful books, and he has a great love for his work and his position."

Context:
JLB 116, 5/28/1877: "This morning I was in Uncle Stricker's study, it's beautiful and he has a portrait of Calvin after Ary Scheffer hanging there, although I should have liked very much to see more prints on the wall."

Context:
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: "After that I heard dear Uncle Stricker in the Oudezijdskapel on the words 'Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees …"

Context:
JLB 142, 3/3/1878: "… this morning when Uncle Stricker was looking for texts in which the word dung occurs, one of which is 'let it alone this year also, till I shall dig about it, and dung it'."

Context:
BVG 102, 7/15/1877: " He [the Reverend Jeremie Meyjes] is a very gifted man, and has great talent and great faith. I heard him in the West Church. I watched him leave the pulpit and pass through the church after the sermon; that tall, noble figure, that pale, tired face and the noble head, and the hair already mixed with grey, made a deep impression upon me. It seems to me a blessing to be tired from your work in that way."
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: " He's a very gifted man and has a pure talent and a great faith, heard him in the Westerkerk. Saw him coming from the pulpit and walking through the church after the sermon, and that tall, noble figure and that tired, pale face and that noble head, the hair already showing some grey, made a great impression on me. To be tired in such a way from that work, that is a blessing."

Context:
JLB 129, 9/4/1877: "[Meyjes] asked a thing or two about London, about which I could tell quite a lot."

Context:
BVG 108, 9/4/1877: "Those who attended were workmen and their wives."
JLB 129, 9/4/1877: "… congregation was made up of workers and their wives …"

Context:
JLB 136, 12/3/1877-12/4/1877: "I've just returned from a visit to the Rev. Jeremie Meijjes, this time I found him at home but he had to go to the Church Council, so I only spoke to him briefly, also saw his wife and the two youngest children, and his wife read me part of a letter from their son who is at the institute in Den Helder."

Context:
BVG 114, 11/25/1877: " They are such nice people; I ran into them lately at a lecture ..."
JLB 135, 11/24/1877-11/25/1877: " They're such nice people, met them recently at a lecture ..."

Context:
JLB 136, 12/3/1877-12/4/1877: "I've just returned from a visit to the Rev. Jeremie Meijjes, this time I found him at home but he had to go to the Church Council, so I only spoke to him briefly."

Context:
JLB 135, 11/24/1877-11/25/1877: "Paid a visit this week to the Rev. Jeremie Meijjes, went there when it was raining in the hope of finding him at home, yet he was out."

Wylie, p. 7; n. 4: Wylie lists the Voses’ address as 158 Prinsengracht. The Voses moved to that address in October 1876. After her husband's death, Kee stayed there until March 1879, when she moved to the house at 168 Keizersgracht, where her parents had moved in the interim.  In February 1881, the Strickers moved once again to 8 Keizersgracht. It is at this house that Vincent’s drama involving Kee and the Strickers was played out in November 1881 (see Chapter 15).

Context:
BVG 110, 9/18/1877: "I spent Monday evening with Vos and Kee; they love each other truly, and one can easily perceive that where love dwells, God commands his blessing."
JLB 131, 9/18/1877: "I spent Monday evening with Vos and Kee, they're fond of each other and one certainly notices that where Love lives the Lord commands His blessing."

Context:
JLB 131, 9/18/1877: "When one sees them sitting there together in the evening by the kindly light of their lamp in the little living room and close by the bedroom of their little boy, who wakes from time to time and asks his mother for this or that, it's an idyll …"

Context:
BVG 110, 9/18/1877: "On the other hand, they have known days of anxiety and sleepless nights and fears and troubles, too."
JLB 131, 9/18/1877: "… but they also know dreadful days and sleepless nights, and fear and anxiety."

Context:
BVG 109, 9/7/1877: " It was a delightful sensation to hear Gladwell's voice in the hall while I sat working in my room upstairs, and to see him enter a moment later, and to shake hands with him."
JLB 130, 9/7/1877: " It felt wonderful to hear Gladwell's voice in the hall as I sat upstairs studying and to see him a moment later and to shake his hand."

Context:
JLB 130, 9/7/1877: "Yesterday we took a nice walk through the main streets and past most of the churches."

Context:
JLB 130, 9/7/1877: "Now we also have plans to go to Uncle Stricker's (because I've been invited to eat there today and will simply risk it and take him along) …"

Context:
JLB 130, 9/7/1877: "We also spent a lot of time in the little study [i.e. Vincent's room] and talked of things new and old. When he's sitting beside me I again feel the same feeling that drew me to him so often, as though he were a son of the same family and a brother in faith because he loves 'the man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.'"

Context:
JLB 130, 9/7/1877: "This morning we read together the story of Elijah by the brook Cherith and at the widow's -- because when we lived together in Montmartre we found that the barrel of meal did not waste and the cruse of water did not fail -- and yesterday evening the parable of the sower and others."

Context:
JLB 130, 9/7/1877: "This morning we read together the story of Elijah by the brook Cherith and at the widow's -- because when we lived together in Montmartre we found that the barrel of meal did not waste and the cruse of water did not fail -- and yesterday evening the parable of the sower and others."

Context:
BVG 109, 9/7/1877: "We talked about many things, and the gist of it was: Many people, arriving at the moment in life when they must make a choice, have chosen for their part 'the love of Christ and poverty,' or rather, 'give me neither poverty or riches; feed me with food convenient for me.'"
JLB 130, 9/7/1877: "We talked about this and that, and what we said to each other is this: many, having come to a point in life where one must make a choice about life, have chosen for their part 'the love of Christ and poverty,' or rather 'give me neither poverty nor riches, feed me with bread convenient for me.'"

Context:
JLB 142, 3/3/1878: "Wrote to Harry Gladwell again this week, since he didn't answer my last letter and I wanted so much to know what he's doing and what he's planning to do. I still have hopes of his becoming a minister."

Sometime the following week, Dorus wrote and wired both Jan and Cor in Amsterdam to come immediately (JLB 135, 11/24/1877-11/25/1877). The letter came while Jan was out and Vincent went to find him. "I saw Uncle in Dam Square, waiting by a street-lamp for the omnibus. We then went into the Van Gend & Loos delivery service, or the Hollandsche Spoor, there in Dam Square, and read the letter" (ibid.). The next day, both uncles left for Brussels (ibid). Hein died at four o'clock in the morning on November 26 (b2570 V/1982, ''Gogh-Carbentus, Anna C. van'' to ''Gogh, Theo van'', 11/27/1877; but not completed or mailed until 11/28/77). Dorus reported his brother's final days to Theo: "For a moment it looked as if something was changing but finally he was released from his suffering ... The last couple of days he did not regain consciousness anymore. But on the last day, when I was with him, he recognized me and caressed my hand. He could not speak and gave clear signals that he understood my words." (b2571 V/1982, ''Gogh, Theodorus van'' to ''Gogh, Theo van'', 11/27/1877.) There is an echo of this report in Vincent's letter from late November: "There's often a change in such a condition on the ninth day; Uncle Jan wanted to wait that out and will probably stay till Monday" (JLB 135, 11/24/1877-11/25/1877).

Context:
JLB 135, 11/24/1877-11/25/1877: "Uncle Cor told me about a walk he took with Uncle Jan in the Bois de Cambre. You know that gnarled undergrowth and the trees there with their strange shapes, and there was a stormy sky with big clouds reflecting in the puddles on the ground."

Vincent's only detailed description of a specific sight in the Quarter reveals more about his personal iconography than it does about his sensitivity to the human suffering and degradation that surrounded him on these streets: "For example, this morning I saw a large, dark wine cellar and warehouse standing open, a spectre momentarily appeared to me -- you know what -- men were running back and forth with lights in the dark vault" (ibid.). These are not the recollections of a man who has "communed" with this distinctive neighborhood, despite walking through it many times every week on his way to and from lessons with Mendes da Costa's. Vincent's emotional alienation, and his increasing tendency to substitute comforting imagery for uncomfortable reality, can also be seen in his description of a newsworthy event that happened while he was in Amsterdam: "There was a fire here one evening on the water, namely a barge with arrack or something similar. Was with Uncle on the Wassenaar, there was no real danger as they'd managed to get the burning barge out from between the other boats and had tied it to a post. When the flames got up a bit one saw Buitenkant and the black row of people standing there watching, and the little boats going back and forth around the blaze also appeared black in the water in which the flames were reflected …" (JLB 131, 9/18/1877).

An article in the Illustrated Police News of November 15, 1877, describes what must have been the same or a very similar event (although the dating of Vincent's letter puts the incident two months earlier): "On Monday evening [November 12] at 9.30 p.m. a fierce blaze broke out on a covered barge, loaded with barrels of liquor, located in the Eastern dock near the Kalkmarkt; the fire department advanced with wagons and a few fire-hoses, but could not accomplish much because putting water on burning barrels with arrack would make those barrels explode and would make the fire grow worse. ... The fire could be seen from a great distance." (Quoted in Groot and De Vries, p. 60.) "Arrack" is a potent, rum-like drink that was brewed in the Dutch East Indies. The presence of this highly flammable substance greatly complicated efforts to extinguish the fire because "putting water on burning barrels with arrack would make those barrels explode and would make the fire grow worse" (ibid.). As even the newspaper article makes clear, the event was, as Vincent describes it, a spectacular sight, but it was a potentially calamitous catastrophe with huge risk to life and property and the efforts to prevent the fire from spreading were both frantic and dangerous. None of this makes its way into Vincent's lovely description of flames reflected in the water.

Context:
BVG 114, 11/25/1877: "Uncle Cor told me about the walk he took with Uncle Jan in the Bois de Cambre -- you know its gnarled brushwood and trees with their weird forms; the sky was stormy, with big clouds reflected in the pools on the ground."
JLB 135, 11/24/1877-11/25/1877: "Uncle Cor told me about a walk he took with Uncle Jan in the Bois de Cambre. You know that gnarled undergrowth and the trees there with their strange shapes, and there was a stormy sky with big clouds reflecting in the puddles on the ground."

Context:
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "In the evening I went back to see the people, it was then already dark in the house, the little body lay so still on a bed in a side room, he was such a sweet little boy."

Context:
BVG 103, 7/27/1877: "That evening when I went to see those people once more, it was already dark in the house; the little body was lying so still on a bed in the little parlour -- he was such a pretty little boy. The sorrow was great; he had been the light of the house, as it were, and the light had now been extinguished."
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "In the evening I went back to see the people, it was then already dark in the house, the little body lay so still on a bed in a side room, he was such a sweet little boy. There was great sorrow, that child was the light of that house, as it were, and that light had now been put out."

Context:
BVG 103, 7/27/1877: "Though rough people express their sorrow crudely and without dignity, like this mother, one still feels deeply in a house of mourning, and the spell remained with me the whole evening, while I took a long walk."
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Even though coarse people express their grief in a coarse way and without dignity, as the mother did, among others, still, one feels a great deal in such a house of mourning, and the impression stayed with me the whole evening when I took a walk."

Context:
BVG 103, 7/27/1877: "Though rough people express their sorrow crudely and without dignity, like this mother, one still feels deeply in a house of mourning, and the spell remained with me the whole evening, while I took a long walk."
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Even though coarse people express their grief in a coarse way and without dignity, as the mother did, among others, still, one feels a great deal in such a house of mourning, and the impression stayed with me the whole evening when I took a walk."

Context:
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "… in the evenings I always walk up and down there with the dog, often thinking of that [Longfellow] poem 'Under the stars'."

Context:
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "You can imagine how beautiful it is in the evening, around the time we came home yesterday, for example, at the wharf and the dockyard and the shore of the IJ, and there's such a glorious smell of tar in the air that reminds one of pine-woods."

Context:
BVG 96, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "You can imagine how beautiful the wharf and the docks and the banks of the Ij are in the evening; for instance, yesterday when we came home, there was such a delightful smell of tar, it reminded me of the pine woods."
JLB 115, 5/21/187 -5/22/1877: "You can imagine how beautiful it is in the evening, around the time we came home yesterday, for example, at the wharf and the dockyard and the shore of the IJ, and there's such a glorious smell of tar in the air that reminds one of pine-woods."

Context:
BVG 96, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "When I do, I see it all again before me: all that past time can be of help in my present work."
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "…whenever I do that I see it all before me again, all things from that past can also work together for good …"

Context:
BVG 101, 6/12/1877: " I have loved so many things in these cities; I often recall them with tender melancholy, and I almost wish to go back there with you."
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: " I've loved so much about those two cities, I think back on them with a feeling of nostalgia, and I'd almost like to go with you …"

Context:
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "I'm fond of much there [Paris and London], and that, ah, I've experienced that everywhere I've been."

Context:
BVG 96, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "I love so many things over there, and oh! it was so wherever I lived; how I feel it when I walk through the streets of The Hague or in Zundert, for instance -- I shall never forget that last visit there."
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "… I'm fond of much there, and that, ah, I've experienced that everywhere I've been, I also feel that when I walk the streets of The Hague or Zundert, for example, I shan't easily forget that last journey there."

Context:
BVG 101, 6/12/1877: "But we must calmly wait and see how things turn out. I have loved so many things in these cities; I often recall them with tender melancholy, and I almost wish to go back there with you."
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "But we have to wait and see what happens. I've loved so much about those two cities, I think back on them with a feeling of nostalgia, and I'd almost like to go with you …"

Context:
JLB 115, 5/21/1877-5/22/1877: "I'm fond of much there [Paris and London], and that, ah, I've experienced that everywhere I've been, I also feel that when I walk the streets of The Hague or Zundert, for example."

Context:
JLB 112, 4/22/1877-4/23/1877: "It's raining here today and one could imagine oneself in London."

Context:
JLB 114, 5/19/1877: "I walked along all kinds of narrow little streets with gardens full of ivy. It was somehow similar to Ramsgate."

Context:
JLB 122, 7/15/1877: "[T]hat Oudezijdskapel is in a very narrow street, Zeedijk, near the part of Buitenkant called 'the old tar-yards' and near Warmoesstraat. It's a very nice part of town and reminds one of the heart of London, like Booksellers' Row or some such place."

Context:
JLB 119, 6/4/1877-6/5/1877: "I had read that book by Lamartine in London and it had made a deep impression on me, and did so again this time, especially those last few pages."

Context:
JLB 101, 1/21/1877: "If you can afford it -- if I can, I'll do it too -- subscribe to this year's Katholieke Illustratie, which has Doré's prints of London -- the wharves on the Thames, Westminster, Whitechapel, the Underground railway &c. &c."

Context:
JLB 120, 6/12/1877: "Recently went to the Trippenhuis [gallery] ... There were a lot of foreigners at the time, French and English, hearing them speak revives a lot of memories in me."

Context:
JLB 140, 2/10/1878: "Was in the English church this morning and met Wierda upon leaving the church, who had been there too."

Context:
BVG 114, 11/25/1877: "Tomorrow morning I shall go to the little English church I told you about. In the evening it lies so peacefully in that quiet Beguinage, between the hawthorn hedges; it seems to say, "In loco isto dabo pacem," which means, In this place I will give peace, saith the Lord."
JLB 135, 11/24/1877-11/25/1877: "Tomorrow morning I'll go to the little English church you know, it lies there so peacefully in the evening in that quiet Begijnhof between the thorn-hedges, and seems to be saying 'In loco este dabo pacem', that is 'in this place will I give peace', saith the Lord."

Context:
BVG 111, 10/21/1877: " I love that little church, and probably many a person there has memories of things and places which are known to me, also."
JLB 132, 10/21/1877: " I'm very fond of that little church, and many a person there probably recalls things and places that aren't unfamiliar to me either."

Context:
JLB 131, 9/18/1877: "Old boy, how wonderful it must be to have a life behind one like Pa has, God grant that we be and that we may become more and more sons after His spirit and heart …"

Context:
JLB 125, 8/3/1877: "Could it be that which Fénelon describes as follows in his Télémaque?"

Context:
JLB 125, 8/3/1877: "Every time I see Uncle Vincent I'm moved by something indescribably kind and, I might say, something good and spirited in him, I don't know what it is ... Could it be that which Fénelon describes as follows in his Télémaque?"

Context:
BVG 104, 8/3/1877: "Ulysses your father is the wisest of all men; his heart is like a deep well -- one cannot fathom its secrets."
JLB 125, 8/3/1877: "Ulysses, your father, is the wisest of all men; his heart is like a deep well, its secret could not be drawn from it."

Context: BVG 104, 8/3/1877: "He is going straight to Ithaca; already he is quite near the port, and at last he again sees the place so fervently longed for."
JLB 125, 8/3/1877: "He is sailing straight to Ithaca, he is already very close to port, and at last he sees again those places so long yearned for."

Context:
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "I had a long talk with him and Aunt, because Mendes had paid them a visit a couple of days ago (one shouldn't utter the word genius lightly, even if one believes that there is more of it in the world than many people think, but Mendes certainly is a very remarkable person, and I'm happy and grateful for my contact with him) and hadn't given them a bad report, fortunately, but Uncle asked me if it wasn't difficult, and I admitted that it was very difficult and that I was doing my best to bear up and to be alert in all kinds of ways."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "From there I went to Uncle Stricker's and had a long talk with him and Aunt, for Mendes had been to see them a few days ago (one must not talk too lightly about genius, even though one believes there is more of it in the world than many suppose, but Mendes certainly is a very remarkable person, and I am and will remain grateful for my contact with him)."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "I had a long talk with him and Aunt, because Mendes had paid them a visit a couple of days ago (one shouldn't utter the word genius lightly, even if one believes that there is more of it in the world than many people think, but Mendes certainly is a very remarkable person, and I'm happy and grateful for my contact with him) ..."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "I am glad to say [Mendes da Costa] did not make an unfavourable report about me, but Uncle asked me if I did not find it very difficult, and I acknowledged that I did indeed, and that I tried my best, in every possible way, to remain strong and keep myself alert in all possible ways."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "… [Mendes da Costa] hadn't given them a bad report, fortunately, but Uncle asked me if it wasn't difficult, and I admitted that it was very difficult and that I was doing my best to bear up and to be alert in all kinds of ways."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "I am glad to say he did not make an unfavourable report about me, but Uncle asked me if I did not find it very difficult, and I acknowledged that I did indeed, and that I tried my best, in every possible way, to remain strong and keep myself alert in all possible ways."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "… and hadn't given them a bad report, fortunately, but Uncle asked me if it wasn't difficult, and I admitted that it was very difficult and that I was doing my best to bear up and to be alert in all kinds of ways."

Context:
BVG 114, 11/25/1877: "Now I am studying, though it may cost a little more effort, it must be done well, and I will try to do it the way I see others who take their work seriously do; it is a race and a fight for my life -- no more, no less."
JLB 135, 11/24/1877-11/25/1877: "I'm studying now, and even if it costs a bit more it must be good, and I want to endeavour to do it as I see others who take it seriously doing it -- it is a course and fight for my life -- neither more nor less" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 132, 8/1/1879-8/15/1879: "It was the worst time I have ever lived through."
JLB 154, 8/11/1879-8/14/1879: "It was the worst time I've ever gone through."

Context:
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "I make sure that a small gaslight goes on burning the whole night, and lie looking at it often in medio noctis, thinking about my plan for work the following day and considering how to go about that studying as well as possible."

Context:
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "I make sure that a small gaslight goes on burning the whole night ..."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "I often pray fervently to Him for the wisdom I need."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "I so often pray fervently to Him for the wisdom I'm in need of …"

Context:
BVG 116, 12/9/1877: "Uncle Cor gave me the Bossuet's Oraisons Funèbres in a very pretty and handy edition, very complete; the beautiful sermon about Paul on the text, 'When I am weak, then I am strong,' is included."
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "From Uncle Cor I received Bossuet, Oraisons funèbres, in a very good and handy edition, very complete, it includes, among other things, the fine sermon about Paul on the text 'for when I am weak, then am I strong'."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "And then 'set your face as a flint' is a good precept in many circumstances, and also 'as a pillar of iron or as an old oak tree.'"
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "And then 'Set your face as a flint' are really good words in many circumstances, and also 'be like an iron pillar or like an old oak tree.'"

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: " What cannot be cured must be endured, and one must use the weapons within one's reach and the means at one's disposal to make the most of one's powers and gain advantage."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "And one must make do with what one has and fight with such weapons as are within one's reach, and use the means at one's disposal to make the most of it and gain from it."

Context:
BVG 116, 12/9/1877: "'Enfin il vainquit' says his biography; so it may be with us sometime -- it may happen, and one should say, 'I never despair.'"
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "'At last, he triumphed' it says in his biography, may it be so with us one day -- that can happen and it is good to say: I never despair."

Context:
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "And so we can be leavened with the leaven of 'sorrowful, yet always rejoicing', being what we are through God's grace, having in the secret recesses of the heart the words 'I never despair' because we have faith in God."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "There was a sentence in your letter that struck me, "I wish I were far away from everything, I am the cause of all, and bring only sorrow to everybody, I alone have brought all this misery on myself and others."
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "There were some words in your letter that touched me, 'I should really like to get away from everything, I'm the cause of everything and only make others sad, I alone have caused all this misery to myself and others.'"

Context:
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "God help us, struggling, to stay on top, it is good that you associate with good artists; I, too, still cling to the memory of many of them."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: " If I had only given all my strength to it before, yes, I should have been further now, -- but even now He will be a strong support, and it is in His power to make our lives bearable, to keep us from evil, to let all things contribute towards a good end, to make our end peaceful."
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: " If only I had worked at it sooner with all my might, yes, it would be better for me now -- but even now He will be a mighty help, and it is in His power to make our life bearable, to keep us from evil, to let all things work together for good, to make the end of us peace."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "See! When I think of all this, and of so many other things like it, too numerous to name them all, of all the difficulties and cares that do not grow less when we advance in life, of sorrow, of disappointment, of the fear of failure, of disgrace, -- then I also have the longing -- I wish I were far away from everything!"
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "You see, when I think of all that and of so much else, all manner of things -- too many to mention, of all the troubles and worries which do not become less as one progresses through life, of suffering, of disappointment, of the danger of failing to a scandalous extent, then that desire is no stranger to me either -- I would really like to get away from everything!"

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "I often pray fervently to Him for the wisdom I need. And then that He may once grant that I write and preach many sermons -- the more, the better -- resembling our father's, and finish a work in my life, with every day bringing some improvement."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "I so often pray fervently to Him for the wisdom I'm in need of, and that He may one day grant that I write and deliver many sermons, the more like our Father's the better, and to complete a Work in my life to which end all things work together for good."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: " There is much evil in the world and in ourselves, terrible things, one does not need to be far advanced in life, to be in fear of much and to feel the need of a firm faith in life hereafter, and to know that without faith in God one cannot live, one cannot bear it."
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: " There is evil in the world and in ourselves, terrible things, and one doesn't have to have gone far in life to dread much and to feel the need for unfaltering hope in a life after this one, and to know that without faith in a God one cannot live -- cannot endure."

Context:
BVG 111, 10/21/1877: "Such a fire of spirit and love is a force of God's opposed to the dark and evil and terrible things of the world and the dark side of life; it is a force of resurrection stronger than any act and a ray of hope which gives consciousness and security to the depths and the secret of the heart. It is expressed in words which are simple but eloquent, 'I never despair.'"
JLB 132, 10/21/1877: "Such a fire of Spirit and Love is a Power of God against the dark and evil and terrible things of the world and the dark side of life, it is a power of the Resurrection stronger than death, and a light of hope that gives an awareness and an assurance in the depths and in the secret recesses of the heart, the expression of which are the words, which are simple but say much: I never despair."

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "When I think of the past, -- when I think of the future of almost invincible difficulties, of much and difficult work, which I do not like, which I, or rather my evil self, would like to shirk …"
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "When I think of the past -- when I think of the future, of nearly insurmountable difficulties, of much and difficult work which I have no passion for, which I -- the evil part of me, that is -- would prefer to avoid …"

Context:
BVG 110, 9/18/1877: "Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun: but if a man live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let him remember the days of darkness; for they shall be many."
JLB 131, 9/18/1877: "'Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun: but if a man live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let him remember the days of darkness; for they shall be many."

Context:
BVG 114, 11/25/1877: "If you want to learn and have a useful knowledge of something, prefer to remain unknown and to be counted for nothing; the most sublime and useful study is to know oneself well, and to despise oneself.
JLB 135, 11/24/187-11/25/1877: "A true understanding and humble estimate of oneself is the highest and most valuable of all lessons. To take no account of oneself …"

Context:
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "Had a talk with Mendes this week, or rather last week, about 'He who hate not, even his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.' He declared that expression too strong, but I maintained that it was the simple truth."

Context:
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "If we look at others who have done more and are better than we are, then soon enough we come to hate our own life because it's not as good as that of others."

Context:
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "When one eats a crust of black rye bread it's certainly good to think of the words 'Tunc justi fulgebunt ut sol in regnum Patris sui' (Then shall the righteous shine forth as the Sun in the Kingdom of their Father), or also when one very often has muddy boots or wet, dirty clothes."

Context:
BVG 111, 10/21/1877: "Then I went to the English church and heard a very good sermon on, " Take no thought, saying, what shall we eat, or what shall we drink, or wherewith shall we be clothed, etc."
JLB 132, 10/21/1877: "…then went to the English church and heard a very good sermon on ' Take no thought (for your life) saying, What shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or Wherewithal shall we be clothed?"

Context:
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "Don't be in a hurry to send the tobacco; still have some, it's a good and necessary aid to study" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "This certainly is a good prayer, and I thought of it when in simplicity I said to you that it is a good thing in this world to soak oneself in coffee."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "That is certainly a good prayer, and I thought of it when I told you in simplicity that it was good to steep oneself in coffee in everyday life."

Context:
BVG 116, 12/9/1877: "…it does one good to feel that one still has a brother living and walking on this earth. When one has many things to think of and to do, one sometimes gets the feeling, Where am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? And one's brain reels."
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "…it does one good to feel that a brother of his also walks and lives on earth, when one has a lot of things to think about and a lot to do, one sometimes gets the feeling, where am I? what am I doing? where am I going? -- and one starts to grow dizzy …"

Context:
JLB 127, 8/18/1877: "Had breakfast afterwards, a piece of dry bread and a glass of beer -- that is a remedy Dickens recommends to those on the verge of committing suicide as being very efficacious in ridding them of that intention, for a while at least."

Context:
BVG 112, 10/30/1877: "May all of us someday enter the kingdom which is not of this world, where they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, where the sun shall no longer be the light of day, and the moon shall no longer shine to be a brightness, but where the Lord will be a light eternal, and God our glory, where the sun shall no more go down; and the light of the moon shall not wane, for the Lord shall be there as an eternal light, and the days of thy mourning shall be ended, and God shall wipe away all tears."
JLB 133, 10/30/1877: "May we all at sometime enter into that kingdom which is not of this world, where they do not marry and are not given in marriage, where the sun shall be no more thy light by day, neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee, but the Lord shall be an Everlasting Light, and God our glory, where the sun shall no more go down, neither shall the moon withdraw itself, for the Lord shall be thine Everlasting Light, and the days of mourning shall be ended and God shall wipe away all tears from the eyes."

Context:
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "From Uncle Cor I received Bossuet, Oraisons funèbres, in a very good and handy edition, very complete, it includes, among other things, the fine sermon about Paul on the text 'for when I am weak, then am I strong.'"

Context:
BVG 98, 5/30/1877: "When I found myself in front of the corpse of Aerssen the calmness and dignity and solemn silence of death contrasted with us, who still live, to such an extent, that we all felt the truth of what his daughter said with such simplicity: 'He is freed from the burden of life, which we have to go on bearing.'"
JLB 117, 5/30/1877: "When I was standing next to Aertsen's body, the calm and seriousness and solemn stillness of death contrasted so greatly with us who were living, that everyone felt what his daughter said in her simplicity: he is delivered from the burden of life which we must still bear."

Context:
JLB 134, 11/19/1877: "Well, the dark days before Christmas are already in sight, and behind them lies Christmas, just like the kindly light from the houses behind the rocks and the water that breaks against them on a dark evening. The Christmas celebration was always a bright spot for us, and may it remain so."

 Context:
BVG 113, 11/19/1877: "Here, the dark days before Christmas are as a long procession at the end of which shines such a light ..."
JLB 134, 11/19/1877: "Well, the dark days before Christmas are already in sight ..."

Context:
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "I can't tell you how much I long for Christmas. And may Pa be satisfied with what I've done."

Context:
BVG 115, 12/4/1877: "Boy, if next Christmas I might be at the university and had overcome the difficulties at the start, as I am now over the beginnings of Latin and Greek, how happy I should be."
JLB 136, 12/3/1877-12/4/1877: "Old boy, if I were at university next Christmas, and already through the first difficulties of the beginning, just as I am now through the beginning of Latin and Greek, how happy I should be."

Context:
BVG 115, 12/4/1877: "When I think over the time I spent at Braat's and the months of study here, upon the whole they have really been two good things."
JLB 136, 12/3/1877-12/4/1877: "If I look back in general on the time spent at Braat's and the months of study here, then those are truly two good things."

Context:
JLB 137, 12/9/1877: "So goodbye for now, if I hear nothing more from you I'll come on Thursday or Friday, 20 or 21 December."

Context:
JLB 138, 12/30/1877: "Today Pa, Ma, Cor and I took a lovely walk, you should have been there."

Context:
JLB 138, 12/30/1877: "It snowed last week and Cor had fun with the sledge and so did I, because I sledged on the road with him and a girl who was staying at the Hackstrohs.'" (Susan(n)us Marinus Hackstroh and Elisabeth Clara Johanna Hackstroh-De Bock.)

Context:
BVG 116a, 12/30/1877: "Yesterday I went to see Mother's sewing class, which she teaches nowadays in the vestry; it is really lovely -- one would like to have a painting of it; already quite a number of children go to it."
JLB 138, 12/30/1877: "Yesterday I saw the sewing school that Ma now holds in the consistory, it is indeed pleasant, one would like to have a painting of it, there are already quite a few children coming to it."

Context:
JLB 141, 2/18/1877-2/19/1878: "Pa also advised me to try and make the acquaintance of a person or two."

Context:
JLB 154, 8/11/1879-8/14/1879: "A striving such as reaching the goal set before me, as it was put then, truly that is an ambition that won't easily take hold of me again, the desire to achieve it has cooled considerably."

Context:
JLB 139, 1/9/1878-1/10/1878: "Started taking lessons again on Tuesday morning, intend to do all those themes that I've written over again, at least inasmuch as I can find the time, what with my other work. Pa advised me to do it, because once one is well grounded in the rudiments and verbs &c., one makes rapid progress with translation."

Context:
JLB 140, 2/10/1878: "I'm currently taking lessons from Uncle Stricker once or twice a week, that is a bonus. Uncle is an expert in it, and I'm glad he could find the time to do it."

Context:
JLB 140, 2/10/1878: "As you know, Pa was here and I'm very glad of it, we went together to Mendes, Uncle Stricker, Uncle Cor, Vos and Kee and both Meijjes families, and the most pleasant memory of Pa's visit is that morning we spent together in my study, looking over my work and talking about all sorts of things."

Context:
JLB 140, 2/10/1878: "You can imagine that those days flew by when, after bringing Pa to the station and watching the train or even only the smoke for as long as it was in sight."

Context:
JLB 140, 2/10/1878: "Uncle is out of town and now that it's lonely again here in the house since Pa left."

Context:
BVG 118, 2/10/1878: "You can imagine how the days flew by. After I had seen Father off at the station and watched the train go out of sight, even the smoke of it, I came home to my room and saw Father's chair standing near the little table on which the books and copybooks of the day before were still lying; and though I know that we shall see each other again pretty soon, I cried like a child."
JLB 140, 2/10/1878: "You can imagine that those days flew by and when, after bringing Pa to the station and watching the train or even only the smoke for as long as it was in sight, I came back to my room and Pa's chair was standing there by the little desk on which the books and notebooks were still lying from the day before, even though I know that we'll see each other again quite soon, I broke down and cried like a child."

Context:
JLB 141, 2/18/1878-2/19/1878: "Had taken along the sketch of that map of the Holy Land that I'd made for Pa's birthday (with red chalk on heavy brown paper) and I gave it to him, because I thought that little room a nice place for it, and I'm glad it's hanging on the wall there."

Context:
JLB 141, 2/18/1878-2/19/1878: "The school, though, was held in a small room where the light had to be lit even at that hour, i.e. in the middle of the day."

Context:
BVG 119, 2/18/1878: " I want to do such things now and then, for it certainly is very doubtful that I shall ever succeed, I mean, shall ever pass all the examinations. Five years at the least is a very long time; if one begins earlier, it is so much easier. It is true I can work longer and concentrate better, and things that many others care about have no attraction for me; but, after all, the work costs me great effort. Even if I fail, I want to leave my mark here and there behind me."
JLB 141, 2/18/1878-2/19/1878: " I feel the need to do something like that now and then, for it's most certainly in doubt whether I'll pass, i.e. all of the requirements, 5 years at the least is a long time, if one begins younger then one succeeds much more easily. Though I can work more and am better able to keep clear from distractions, and I have no desire for those things which many another craves, even so, I notice that I have difficulty learning. And in case I don't pass, I want nevertheless to be sure of having left a sign of life here and there."