Notes

Context:
BVG 110, 9/18/1877: "I spent Monday evening with Vos and Kee; they love each other truly, and one can easily perceive that where love dwells, God commands his blessing."
JLB 131, 9/18/1877: "I spent Monday evening with Vos and Kee, they're fond of each other and one certainly notices that where Love lives the Lord commands His blessing."

Context:
JLB 180, 11/7/1881: "I saw that she was always thinking about the past and buried herself in it with devotion."

Context:
BVG 154, 11/7/1881: "Then I thought, Though I respect that feeling and though that deep grief of hers touches and moves me, yet I think there is some fatalism in it."
JLB 180, 11/7/1881: "Then I thought: even though I respect this feeling and it touches and moves me, I still think there's something fatal about that deep mourning of hers."

Context:
BVG 358, 3/1/1884: "I still remember taking you to Roosendaal station that first year and telling you then that I was so set against being alone that I would sooner be with a bad whore than be alone."
JLB 432, 3/2/1884: "I still recall that I took you to the station in Roosendaal in the first year, and that I said to you then that I was so against being alone that I would rather be with a common whore than alone."

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "Perhaps you remember that we talked this summer about the question of women, both with a kind of despondency."

Context:
JLB 432, 3/2/1884: "I still recall that I took you to the station in Roosendaal in the first year, and that I said to you then that I was so against being alone that I would rather be with a common whore than alone."

Context:
JLB 190, 11/23/1881: "A man can't stand it on the open sea for long -- he has to have a little hut on the beach with a fire on the hearth -- with a wife and children around that hearth."

Context:
JLB 170, 8/5/1881: "I don't know if you ever read English books. If so, then I can highly recommend Shirley by Currer Bell, the author of another book, Jane Eyre. This is as beautiful as the paintings of Millais or Boughton or Herkomer."

Context:
JLB 187, 11/19/1881: "Read in any case L'amour and La femme and, if you can get hold of it, My wife and I and Our neighbours by Beecher Stowe. Or Jane Eyre and Shirley by Currer Bell."

The fact that a letter from Dorus to Theo does not mention Kee's presence nor her impending visit suggests that she did not arrive until around mid-August (b2236 V/1982, ''Gogh, Theodorus van'' to ''Gogh, Theo van'', 8/5/1881). Vincent went to The Hague soon after her departure, and remained there for two days (August 23-25) (JLB: Chronology 1881). This provides a relatively narrow window of several weeks, which indicates that the visit was not very long and may have been cut short by Kee's sudden departure following Vincent's proposal. This reading appears to be supported by Vincent's comment that he and Kee had "spent days and weeks walking and talking with each other" (JLB 183, 11/12/1881). Although the point he is arguing would have tempted him to exaggerate their time together with this ambiguous phrase.

As to what happened during their brief time together, all we have is the single passage just cited from Vincent's later letter and Bonger's sanitized and, in our view, completely unreliable account, which apparently relies on the equally discrete memory of Kee Vos thirty years after the event. "[Kee] was unconscious of the impression which her beauty and touching sorrow made on the cousin who was a few years her junior. 'He was so kind to my little boy,' she said when she later remembered that time. Vincent, who was very fond of children, tried to win the mother's heart by great devotion to the child. They walked and talked much together, and he also drew a portrait of her (which seems to have been lost). The thought of a more intimate relation did not occur to her." (Van Gogh-Bonger, in Van Gogh, p. xxxii.)

Context:
BVG 154, 11/7/1881: "And then I began -- at first crudely, awkwardly, but still firmly -- and I ended with the words, Kee, I love you as myself ... "
JLB 180, 11/7/1881: "And then I began -- at first clumsily, awkwardly and yet resolutely, and it ended with the words 'Kee, I feel exactly as though you were the closest person to me and I the closest person to you in the fullest sense of the word, I love you as I love myself' ..."

Context:
BVG 194, 5/4/1882-5/12/1882: "I asked Kee if she would risk marrying me."
JLB 225, 5/10/1882: "I asked Kee Vos if she would chance it with me."

Context:
JLB 180, 11/7/1881: "And then I began -- at first clumsily, awkwardly and yet resolutely, and it ended with the words 'Kee, ... I love you as I love myself.'"

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Now I know a few things about her and I must make clear to you that I did not know then nor do I know now with any certainty whether her coldness and rudeness are a good or a bad sign."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Well, I know some things about her, and I must say that I didn't know then and still don't know with certainty whether her coldness and rudeness is a good or bad sign."

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "… when I first spoke to her of these things, she responded so very energetically with that 'no, nay, never.'"

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "Should I resign myself to that "never, no, never," or consider the matter not yet settled and done with, keep in good heart and not give up?"
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "Then I was in an awful dilemma about what to do, to resign myself to that no, nay, never, or -- not yet to regard the matter as over and done with, and to take courage and not give up yet."

Context:
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "You must understand that I'm doing my best to change many things about myself. Specifically the sad state of my financial affairs ..."

Context:
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "The elder persons will change their minds about this matter not when Kee changes her mind but when I become someone who earns at least 1,000 guilders a year."

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "The older people will change their minds about this affair, not when Kee changes her attitude but when I have become somebody who earns at least 1000 guilders a year."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "The elder persons will change their minds about this matter not when Kee changes her mind but when I become someone who earns at least 1,000 guilders a year."

Context:
JLB 177, 10/17/1881: "I saw Mr. Obach this summer in The Hague."

Context:
BVG 149, 8/1/1881-9/30/1881. " Mr. Tersteeg was very kind, and said he thought I had made progress."
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: " Mr. Tersteeg was very friendly and said he thought I'd progressed."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "Mr. Tersteeg was very friendly and said he thought I'd progressed. Since I'd done the whole series of Exercices au fusain 1-60 again, I took it along. And it was certainly in response to this that he said it."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "It was a pleasure to make De Bock's acquaintance, I was in his studio."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "Then I saw Mesdag's panorama with him, that's a work for which one must have the utmost respect."

Context:
BVG 149, 8/1/1881-9/30/1881: "Then I went to see Mesdag's Panorama with him [i.e., with De Bock]; it is a work that deserves all respect."
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "Then I saw Mesdag's panorama with him, that's a work for which one must have the utmost respect."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "I also saw Willem Maris at De Bock's who has a beautiful sketch by him, a road in the winter with a little figure beneath an umbrella."

Context:
BVG 149, 8/1/1881-9/30/1881: "By chance Bosboom saw my studies and gave me some hints about them."
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "By chance Bosboom saw my studies, said this and that about them ..."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "I only wish I had more opportunity for him to help me."

Context:
JLB 161, December 1880-January 1881: "The main reason I'm writing this is to ask you if you might know of any reason why I shouldn't go to see Mr. Tersteeg and Mauve. I think it would be of benefit to me to go to The Hague for a while. But if I knew for sure that Mr. Tersteeg would prefer that I didn't go there, that could make me change my mind. What do you think?"

Context:
JLB 123, 7/27/1877: "Heard from home that you'll probably go to see Mauve again soon in his house in the dunes, and will stay overnight."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "I spent an afternoon and part of an evening at Mauve's and saw many beautiful things in his studio."

Context:
BVG 149, 8/1/1881-9/30/1881: "I spent an afternoon and part of an evening with Mauve, and saw many beautiful things in his studio."
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "I spent an afternoon and part of an evening at Mauve's and saw many beautiful things in his studio."

Context:
BVG 149, 8/1/1881-9/30/1881: "He gave me a great many hints which I was glad to get, and I have arranged to come back to see him in a relatively short time when I have some new studies."
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "He gave me a great many suggestions, which I'm glad of, and I've sort of arranged to pay him another visit fairly soon when I have some more studies."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "I've sort of arranged to pay him another visit fairly soon when I have some more studies."

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "Mauve gave me encouragement recently when I needed it. He's a man of genius."

BVG 149, 8/1/1881-9/30/1881. Two mysteries surround Vincent's trip to The Hague in late August or early September 1881. The first relates to a stop in Rotterdam on the outgoing trip (which will be discussed later). The second relates to Vincent's activities in Dordrecht for the twenty-four hours that he apparently spent there on the return trip. He reports that he left The Hague on Thursday morning and arrived in Etten on Friday evening. The only activity he describes in Dordrecht is drawing this scene of windmills (Windmills near Dordrecht, F 850 JH 15, August, 1881, watercolor, pencil, chalk, 10.2 by 23.6 in., 26 by 60 cm., Kröller-Müller Museum: Otterlo, the Netherlands), which, given that it was raining, could not have taken long. He may have been seeing friends in Dordrecht, or perhaps visiting the museum there, which he knew well from his days as a bookshop clerk. He may also have been considering doing sketches in Dordrecht which was famous for its picturesqueness. Vincent might have considered this a commercially exploitable subject -- although he apparently never followed up on such a project.

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "I was in The Hague until Thursday morning. Then I went to Dordrecht, because I'd seen a spot from the train that I wanted to draw."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "Then I went to Dordrecht, because I'd seen a spot from the train that I wanted to draw. Namely the row of windmills."

Context:
JLB 171, 8/26/1881: "I got it done even though it was raining, and so at least I've brought home a souvenir from my outing."

Context:
JLB 172, September 1881: "The careful study, the constant and repeated drawing of Bargue's Exercices au fusain has given me more insight into figure drawing."

Context:
BVG 150, 9/1/1881: "I have drawn a man with a spade, that is un bècheur [a digger], five times over in a variety of poses, a sower twice, a girl with a broom twice."
JLB 172, September 1881: "I've drawn a peasant with a spade no fewer than 5 times, 'a digger' in fact, in all kinds of poses, twice a sower, twice a girl with a broom."

Context:
BVG 150, September 1881: "Then a woman in a white cap peeling potatoes and a shepherd leaning on his crook and finally an old, sick peasant sitting on a chair by the hearth with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees."
JLB 172, September 1881: "Also a woman with a white cap who's peeling potatoes, and a shepherd leaning on his crook, and finally an old, sick peasant sitting on a chair by the fireplace with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees."

Context:
JLB 173, October 1881: "Anyway, you see that I'm hard at work."

Context:
JLB 199, 1/8/1882 or 1/9/1882: "… when I first went to Mauve with my pen drawings ... M[auve] said, you should try it with charcoal and chalk and brush and stump.'"

Context:
JLB 172, September 1881: "I brought Conté in wood (and pencils as well) from The Hague, and am now working a lot with it."

Context:
BVG 150, 9/1/1881. "… anyone who has learned to tackle a figure and hang on to it until it is safely down on paper, can earn quite a bit."
JLB 172, September 1881: "… there's also something to be earned in this day and age for someone who has learned to seize a figure and hold on to it until it stands firmly on the paper."

Context:
JLB 172, September 1881: "Remember that Ingres paper, if you will, of the colour of unbleached linen, the stronger kind if possible."

Context:
JLB 197, 1/5/1882: "... it was damned difficult for me to work with that new material."

Context:
JLB 172, September 1881: "… what used to seem to me to be desperately impossible is now gradually becoming possible, thank God."

Context:
JLB 175, 10/12/1881-10/15/1881: "I'll do my best not to betray you in this."

Context:
BVG 155, 11/9/1881-11/10/1881: "And she came to me with a face full of pity and with many comforting words, and I am sure she had prayed a beautiful prayer for me, that I might receive strength for resignation."
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "And came to me with a face full of pity and all kinds of consoling words, and without doubt she said a very nice prayer for me that would have granted me the strength to resign myself anyway."

Context:
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "When I told Pa about it this summer -- he interrupted me with an anecdote about someone who had eaten too much and another who had eaten too little, completely out of place, and it was an anecdote with neither head nor tail, which made me think, not without a shudder, is Pa in a muddle?"

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "When I spoke of it to Father this summer, he interrupted me with an anecdote about somebody who had eaten too much and another who had eaten too little."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "When I told Pa about it this summer -- he interrupted me with an anecdote about someone who had eaten too much and another who had eaten too little."

In November 1881, Vincent describes an exchange with his uncle that almost certainly had to take place face-to-face: "The only one who said to me, though very informally and in private, that I did indeed have a chance if I worked hard and prospered, is one from whom I didn't expect it at all, Uncle Cent. He was amused at the way I took Kee's no, nay, never, i.e. by making light of it and sort of joking about it, bring no grist to Kee Vos's mill of no, nay, never, for example, I wish her all good things, apart from hoping that the aforementioned flour-mill will go bankrupt.'" (JLB 179, 11/3/1881.) This would not be the "[not] unsympathetic" letter from Cent that is referred to in November as having been written "a couple of months ago" (JLB 189, 11/23/1881). We believe this is the letter written after Vincent's visit in September or early October, which probably accompanied the gift of the used paint box which Vincent mentions in mid-October (JLB 173, October 1881). It is unclear how the visit under discussion relates to another encounter reported the following year which did not go so well. Referring to the deteriorated state of his relationship with Cent, Vincent writes, "I hope that, just like last year, if I meet His Hon. we shall not make a public scene" (JLB 235, 6/3/1882). There is no other reference to his "public scene" in the record, but then, most of the family letters are missing from 1881.

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "The only one to say to me, and that very informally and privately, that there really might be a chance for me if I worked hard and made progress, was someone from whom I least expected it: Uncle Cent."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "The only one who said to me, though very informally and in private, that I did indeed have a chance if I worked hard and prospered, is one from whom I didn't expect it at all, Uncle Cent."

Context:
BVG 151, 10/12/1881: "And then last week I received from Uncle in Prinsenhage a paintbox which is still very good, certainly good enough to begin on (it is Paillard's paint). I am very glad to have it."
JLB 173, October 1881: "And then last week I got a box of paints from Uncle Cent that is rather good, certainly good enough to start with (the paint is from Paillard). And I'm very glad to have it."

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "Anyway, that is what I hope to go on doing, and cast out despondency and gloom, meanwhile working hard -- and ever since I met her, I have been getting on much better with my work."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "At any rate, I hope to go on like this and to keep well away from melancholy and pessimism. Meanwhile working hard, and since meeting her my work is going much better."

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "But now I need not go back into the abyss, and I think it right to do away with all melancholy and to take a somewhat broader and more cheerful view of life -- to walk on level ground, and to renew old relations as much as possible, and to enter into new ones."
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "But now I don't need to return to the abyss and would do well, I think, to fling all melancholy to the winds and to live life a bit more freely and cheerfully on the ground floor."

Context:
BVG 155, 11/9/1881-11/10/1881: "Now, I have been complaining a little about Father and Mother, but except that they do not understand the least bit of it and do not understand anything of the "aimer encore" and could only call it "untimely and indelicate" until I put a stop to that -- after all, they are very good to me and kinder than ever."
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "Well, I've grumbled a bit about Pa and Ma, but except that they really don't have the remotest idea of how matters stand, and understand nothing of the 'love on', and could think of nothing else to say than untimely and indelicate until I stopped them, they are very good to me, and kinder than ever."

Context:
BVG R1, 10/12/1881: "For I have made rather good progress since I came back to Holland, not only in drawing but also in other things."
JLB 174, 10/21/1881: "Because I've been rather fortunate since coming back here to Holland, not only in drawing but in other things as well."

Context:
BVG R1, 10/12/1881: "I hardly think it necessary to assure you again that we should all be very happy to have you with us once more, and that we sincerely hope that, even if you do not stay long, you will not stay away altogether."
JLB 174, 10/21/1881: "I don't need to assure you once more that all of us here would very much like to see you again, and hope so much that, even if you don't come for long, you won't stay away entirely."

Context:
JLB 174, 10/21/1881: "I can't tell you how beautiful those trees are now. ... I'm absolutely certain that if you were here now when the leaves are falling, even if only for a week, you would make something beautiful of it."

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "That's why I say it only from an artistic standpoint, that in my opinion you as a Dutchman will be better off with a Dutch viewpoint and will have more satisfaction if you work from nature here in the country. ... And it's expressly because I truly think that this is essentially your own view too that I'm speaking about it like this."

Context:
BVG R2, 10/15/1881: "I learned from it that my friend Rappard has taken a great step forward, or will do so shortly."
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "I take it to mean: ' my friend Rappard has taken a big step forward or will do so shortly.'"

Ah! ça ira, ça ira, ça ira,
Les aristocrates à la lanterne!
Ah! ça ira, ça ira, ça ira,
Les aristocrates on les pendra!
Le despotisme expirera,
La liberté triomphera,
Ah! ça ira, ça ira, ça ira,
Nous n'avons plus ni nobles, ni prêtres,
Ah! ça ira, ça ira, ça ira,
L'égalité partout régnera.
L'esclave autrichien le suivra,
Au diable s'envolera.
Ah! ça ira, Ah! ça ira,
Au diable s'envolera.

Oh! It'll be okay, be okay, be okay,
Hang the aristocrats from on high!
Oh. It'll be okay, be okay, be okay,
The aristocrats, we'll hang 'em all.
Despotism will breathe its last,
Liberty will take the day,
Oh! It'll be okay, be okay, be okay,
We don't have any more nobles or priests,
Oh! It'll be okay, be okay, be okay,
Equality will reign everywhere,
The Austrian slave will follow him,
To the Devil will they fly.
Oh! It'll be okay, be okay, be okay,
To the Devil will they fly.

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: “I have my reasons for thinking that you’ve arrived at a point of revolution and reform. It’ll go well!”

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "Suppose you happened to be staying with us when Mauve was here, would you find that so disagreeable? I think not, whether you already know Mauve personally I don't know, but a meeting or reunion with him would be good, it seems to me."

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "He's a clever, energetic chap, it's a great pity, I think, that he's not a painter, but it's good for the painters that there are people like him."

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "You can also draw figures here if you will. I don't know if I told you that my uncle at Princenhage saw the sketches in your letter and thought them very good, and was pleased that you're making progress with both figures and landscape."

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "I don't know if I told you that my uncle at Princenhage saw the sketches in your letter and thought them very good, and was pleased that you're making progress with both figures and landscape."

Context:
BVG R2, 10/15/1881: "I am not sure whether I told you that my uncle at Prinsenhage saw the little sketches in your letter and thought them very good, and noticed with pleasure that you are making progress in figure drawing as well as in landscape."
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "I don't know if I told you that my uncle at Princenhage saw the sketches in your letter and thought them very good, and was pleased that you're making progress with both figures and landscape."

Context:
BVG R3, 11/2/1881: "Yet I should like to see you draw or paint ordinary people with their clothes on."
JLB 178, 11/2/1881: "But now I wish that you'd also draw or paint ordinary people with clothes on."

Context:
BVG R1, 10/12/1881: "I should be very much surprised if I did not stay quietly in Etten this winter -- at least that is my intention; in no case shall I go abroad. For I have made rather good progress since I came back to Holland, not only in drawing but also in other things."
JLB 174, 10/21/1881: "It would surprise me very much if I weren't to stay in Etten this winter -- this is my plan at least, anyway not to go abroad. Because I've been rather fortunate since coming back here to Holland, not only in drawing but in other things as well."

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "That's why I say it only from an artistic standpoint, that in my opinion you as a Dutchman will be better off with a Dutch viewpoint and will have more satisfaction if you work from nature here in the country (whether it be figures or landscape) than if you were to devote yourself to specializing in the nude."

Context:
JLB 176, 10/15/1881: "And in my opinion you and I could do no better than to work from Dutch nature (figure and landscape). Then we're ourselves, then we feel at home, then we're in our element."

Context:
BVG R1, 10/12/1881: "And Thackeray himself behaved in a similar way toward Balzac, and went even further, I think; but this does not alter the fact that at bottom they were kindred spirits, even if this was not always clear to themselves."
JLB 174, 10/12/1881: "And Thackeray himself adopted a similar attitude towards Balzac, and went even further, I believe, but that doesn't alter the fact that at bottom those men were kindred spirits, even though this wasn't always clear to them."

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "SHE doesn't want to read my letters but -- but -- but -- the frost and winter cold is all too bitter to last for long" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "The letter I received from him [Uncle Stricker] a few months ago was not unsympathetic or written in anger, but he wrote very positively, 'Her no is quite decisive.'"
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "The letter I got from him a couple of months ago wasn't unsympathetic or written in anger, only his words 'the no is decisive' were very definite."

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "Similarly, I didn't take it amiss when Uncle Stricker said that there was the danger that I 'might be severing friendly relationships and old ties.'"
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "Likewise I didn't much mind when Uncle Stricker said there was a danger I 'would sever friendly relations and break old ties.'"

Context:
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "Likewise I didn't much mind when Uncle Stricker said there was a danger I 'would sever friendly relations and break old ties', to which I replied that in my opinion the case in question, far from breaking old ties, could renew the old ties where they were in need of repair."

Context:
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "I continued to address Kee Vos despite that letter."

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "But it is neither unfair nor unreasonable to wish that Kee and I, instead of not being allowed any contact with each other, might see, speak or write to each other so that we could come to know each other better, and even be able to tell whether or not we are suited to one another."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "But it's not unfair or unreasonable to wish that Kee and I, instead of not being allowed to see one another, will see, speak and write to one another so that, getting to know each other better, we'll be able to see for ourselves whether or not we're suited to each other."

Context:
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "The only one who said to me, though very informally and in private, that I did indeed have a chance if I worked hard and prospered, is one from whom I didn't expect it at all, Uncle Cent."

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "They tried to make me promise that I would speak or write absolutely nothing more about this business, but I refused to promise that."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "They wanted me to promise not to say or write anything more on this subject, but I wouldn't promise that; no one in the world, in my opinion, can reasonably demand such a thing of me (or of anyone else in the same situation)."

Context:
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "They wanted me to promise not to say or write anything more on this subject, but I wouldn't promise that; no one in the world, in my opinion, can reasonably demand such a thing of me (or of anyone else in the same situation)."

Context:
BVG 153, 11/13/1881: "In my opinion no one in the world should in fairness demand such a thing of me (or of anyone else in the same position)."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "… but I wouldn't promise that; no one in the world, in my opinion, can reasonably demand such a thing of me."

Context:
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "A lark can't help singing in the spring."

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "But when, notwithstanding this letter, I continued to write Kee, he thought the intervention of Prinsenhage would put a spoke in my wheel."
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "Only when I continued to address Kee Vos despite that letter from His Hon. did he think it necessary to put a spoke in my wheel through the intermediary of Princenhage."

Context:
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "For the time being, though, I believe they'll proceed with caution, keeping me dangling and fobbing me off until Uncle and Aunt Stricker's big celebration (in December) is over. Because they want to avoid scandal."

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "I am very glad you have written them before that time, for I would rather not have them come out with their 'conscientious objections' to 'the untimeliness and indelicacy' of my love."
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "I'm very glad that you've written to them beforehand, because I'd prefer that their 'moral conviction' regarding the untimeliness and indelicacy of my love not be brought up there."

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "Kee says never, no, never and then -- I have the feeling that I'm going to have an immense amount of difficulty with the older people, who consider the matter settled and done with now and will try to force me to drop it."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "First, Kee says no, nay, never, and furthermore I believe that I'll have tremendous difficulty with the elders who already regard the matter as over and done with and will try and force me to give up."

Context:
BVG 155, 11/9/1881-11/10/1881: "They want me to stop all correspondence, for instance, with Uncle and Aunt; of course I cannot promise such a thing, and even if I did stop writing awhile, I would certainly start again with new vigour later."
JLB 181, 11/8 or 11/9/1881: "They would, for instance, like me to break off all correspondence whatsoever with Uncle and Aunt Stricker. Naturally I can't promise anything of the kind, and even if I were to cut off my correspondence with them for a while, I'd only take it up again afterwards with renewed vigour."

This leaves unanswered, however, the truly perplexing question of why Vincent did not write to Theo about Kee before now -- for instance, at the time in August he supposedly fell in love? Vincent offers only the vaguest answer: "One of the reasons why I have not written to you about all this before is that my position was so uncertain and unsettled that I was unable to explain it to you" (ibid.). He never mentions the other "reasons" referred to, nor is there any obvious substance to this reason. Such a glaring omission leads to two possible inferences (which are not mutually exclusive): (1) Vincent avoided telling Theo for fear he would try to dissuade Vincent from his self-destructive course; and (2) at the time, the events of August were not as life-changing as Vincent later portrays them. Vincent goes a long way toward confirming the former inference in his defensive (and unpersuasive) arguments regarding his inability to support a wife (since he cannot yet support himself). This is an objection that Theo would no doubt have raised earlier if Vincent had revealed his marriage proposal, as Theo would have ended up supporting both Vincent and his new wife (Kee Vos had no money from her husband's estate) (b2442 V/1982, ''Gogh-Carbentus, Anna C. van'' to ''Gogh, Theo van'', 10/31/1878). The latter inference is discussed in the text.

Context:
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "Dear Theo, There is something on my mind that I want to tell you about. ... I wanted to tell you that this summer I've come to love Kee Vos so much that I could find no other words for it than 'it's just as if Kee Vos were the closest person to me and I the closest person to Kee Vos.'"

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "I want to tell you that this summer a deep love has grown in my heart for Kee."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "I wanted to tell you that this summer I've come to love Kee Vos."

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "I'd think it very decent of you if, for example, you were to find a way of persuading Pa and Ma, who are extremely pessimistic ... A word from you probably has more influence on them than anything I could say."

Context:
BVG 156, 11/10/1881-11/11/1881: "From the very beginning of this love I have felt that unless I threw myself into it sans arrière pensée [unreservedly], committing myself totally and with all my heart, utterly and for ever, I had absolutely no chance, and that even if I do throw myself into it in this way the chance is very slight."
JLB 182, 11/10/1881 or 11/11/1881: "From the beginning of this love I've felt that unless I threw myself into it unreservedly, committing myself to it whole-heartedly, fully and forever, there would be absolutely no chance for me, and if I've thrown myself into it in the above-mentioned way, that doesn't alter the fact that the chance is very small."

Context:
BVG 156, 11/10/1881-11/11/1881: "When I was younger, one half of me once fancied that I was in love, and with the other half I really was."
JLB 182, 11/10/1881 or 11/11/1881: "When I was younger I once half-imagined that I loved, while the other half truly loved, the result being many years of humiliation."

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "Gradually I began to love my fellow men again, myself included, and more and more my heart and soul -- which for a time had been withered, blighted and stricken through all kinds of great misery -- revived."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "Gradually I began to love people again, myself included, and with each passing day I regained a little heart and spirit which for a time had been destroyed and withered and devastated, so to speak, by all manner of great misery."

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "If she never returned my love, I should probably stay a bachelor always."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "If she were never, ever to respond to my feelings of love, then I would probably become an old bachelor."

Context:
JLB 180, 11/7/1881: "My life and my love are one."

Context:
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "Read in any case L'amour and La femme and, if you can get hold of it, My wife and I and Our neighbours by Beecher Stowe."

Context:
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "All the same, the Bible is eternal and everlasting, but Michelet gives such extremely practical and clear suggestions, immediately applicable to this fast-paced, hectic modern life in which you and I find ourselves, that he makes us progress quickly, and we can't do without him."

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "Not I but père Michelet says to all young men like you and me, 'a woman must breathe upon you if you're to be a man.'"

This represents a condensation of a construction extraordinarily convoluted, even by Vincent's standards: "Although you've come a long way without a 'she and no other', although you stand firm in your shoes without a she and no other, although you deftly dispatch business without a she and no other, although you are a man of willpower, energy and character without a she and no other, although you've gained human understanding and experience without a she and no other, although you possess cheerfulness and high spirits and courage without a she and no other, although you dare to choose sides and loathe vacillation without ... Nevertheless, you would go much further, stand firmer in your shoes, dispatch business more deftly, be more a man of willpower, energy and character, gain more human understanding and experience, possess more cheerfulness, high spirits and courage, choose sides more resolutely, be even more loathful of vacillation, hesitation, doubt &c. than you have been thus far, when you'll have found someone suited to being your 'she and no other'. In short, you'll be more yourself, happier and better, with an honestly meant and deeply felt 'she and no other' than without the same." (ibid.; emphasis in original.)

Context:
BVG 160, 11/19/1881: "No doubt it is presumptuous to be sure of oneself, but one certainly may believe, My soul's anguish will not have been in vain, and I will fight my battle notwithstanding all my own weaknesses and faults; I will fight as well as I can."
JLB 187, 11/19/1881: "Certainly it's presumptuous to feel sure of one's success, and yet one may believe: my inner struggle will not be in vain, and I want to fight it; despite all my own weaknesses and faults I want to fight it as best I can."

Context:
JLB 187, 11/19/1881: "Even if I fall down 99 times, the hundredth time, too, I'll get up!"

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: " For indeed, of all powers it is the most powerful -- it makes us dependent in appearance only; the truth is, there is no real independence, no real liberty, no steady self-reliance, except through Love."
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: " For truly, it is of all powers the most powerful, it makes us only seem to be dependent -- the truth is, there is no true liberty, no true freedom, no irrefutable independence, than through it ... through love ..."

Just as no illustration was complete for Vincent without a caption, every caption needed an image. The same reductive imagination that pitted phrase against phrase now searched for the perfect image to bolster his new mission, aimer encore. "I regard that 'no, nay, never' as a piece of ice that I press to my heart to thaw," he wrote (JLB 180, 11/7/1881.). "Who will win, the coldness of that piece of ice or my warmth of life" (ibid.). He compared Kee's resistance to "an iceberg from Greenland or Nova Zembla," "an ice colossus." "But considering that ... she isn't many metres tall, thick and wide, even with no, nay, never ... [she] isn't unembraceable ... So as for me, I'm pressing that piece of 'no, nay, never' ice to my heart [and] try and hold out until it disappears and thaws." (ibid.)

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "I would that she found no sympathy, anywhere or from anyone, for her 'no, nay, never', and that all would combine their efforts culpably to bankrupt that 'no, nay, never.'"

Context:
BVG 154, 11/7/1881: "Does a man who has not learned to say, 'She, and no other,' know what love is?"
JLB 180, 11/7/1881: "He who hasn't yet learned to say 'she and no other', does he know what love is?"

Context:
JLB 180, 11/7/1881: "Love on! I want to sing no other song than 'love on!'"

Context:
JLB 187, 11/19/1881: "Oh Theo, she has such depth ... She [has] a bark of lightheartedness, but inside there's a trunk of harder wood. And hers is fine-grained!"

Context:
BVG 155, 11/9/1881-11/10/1881: "But was I wrong in this, and you will reproach me for not laying before you my most intimate and tender feelings."
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "But was it wrong of me? And will you think badly of me for not immediately revealing my more tender and intimate feelings."

In a particularly far-fetched and infelicitous conceit, Vincent describes a "beam in his eye" that Van Rappard might also have taken as a reference to Kee (as the modern reader certainly does): "The person who at this moment is writing to his dear friend Rappard has been marching around on this earth with one, or even more than one, such object -- but then of a monstrous size -- in his eye for a long time. Has this beam been got rid of? you ask. Well, what can the present writer answer to this? Of one thing he is sure, namely that one very big beam is got rid of, provisionally; but, for the very reason that he did not notice it when he was laboring under it, he does not deem it impossible that there are others of whose existence or nonexistence he is not fully aware. ... The excessively big beam in question was of a more or less inartistic character. I won't tell you just now what kind of beam it was." (JLB 188, 11/21/1881.) This "beam of a more or less inartistic character" might be a reference to Kee Vos, but the context suggests that Van Rappard was not familiar with the specifics of the situation.

We believe that Vincent did not give Van Rappard any details about his suit of Kee Vos. First, the specifics would not have flattered him, at a time when he was desperate to present himself to Van Rappard as a man of the world, especially amorously; and as a member of the Van Gogh family with full rights and privileges (one of which would have been the right to marry his widowed cousin). The final proof comes more than a year later when Vincent writes Van Rappard: "My words about a past disappointment are based on something I won't speak about -- at least not now" (JLB 309, 2/8/1883). This is clearly a reference to Kee Vos and indicates that Van Rappard was still in the dark about her. At the time, Vincent may have told his friend in general terms about an unrequited infatuation, which would explain many of the winking references to frustrated love, without the embarrassing specifics. In other cases, Vincent was probably playing out the same themes that were preoccupying him in his battle with his family, only in a more light-hearted mode -- a mode not permitted with his family because of the high emotional stakes. A good example of this is his long "proof by negative demonstration" of the proposition, "Let us love what we love": "Suppose a man did not love what he loves, what a lot of misery he would cause himself and others, and how much turbulence he would create in God's world. ... We now come to some remarkable conclusions or "deductions" from our primary thesis, as for instance: (1) The man who damn well refuses to love what he loves dooms himself. (2) He must have quite a lot of o(a)bstinatie, to stick it out in the long run (The o and the a happen both to be appropriate, eh?) [an untranslatable pun in Dutch] (3) If he changed, wouldn't his conversion be a great thing!" (JLB 190, 11/23/1881). Van Rappard undoubtedly had no idea of the resonance of this odd folly of an argument for Vincent's larger emotional life at the time.

Context:
BVG R6, 11/23/1881: "Nothing is further from my thoughts than writing you out of a lust for argument, but my intention is 'to wake Rappard up,' and I doubt whether I shall drop off myself when 'waking Rappard up.'"
JLB 190, 11/23/1881: "And, while far from writing to you out of any desire to argue, my intention nonetheless is: 'to wake Rappard up', and I doubt whether in that 'waking of Rappard' I'll nod off myself."

Context:
JLB 184, 11/12/1881: "Don't get angry now -- read on -- until the end -- if you get angry, don't tear up this letter without reading it -- first count to ten. One -- two -- three &c ..."

Context:
JLB 178, 11/2/1881: " … by all means let me take care because I'm just the sort of man to spoil things for myself when they're going well unless I take care."

In another letter, Vincent describes "a certain 'bête noire'" in terms that are unmistakable: "Today I again pursued a certain 'bête noire' of mine, namely the resignation method. That 'bête noire' is of the hydra variety, I believe, which is to say the more serpent heads one chops off the more new ones sprout. Yet there are men who have succeeded in killing such a 'bête noire.' " (JLB 188, 11/21/1881.) Vincent goes on to equate "resignation," in this context, with "mortification." In the next letter, he returns to the subject in an even more thinly disguised account of his sexual life: "as regards my special 'bête noire,' I've had little opportunity today to occupy myself with pursuit of the same; even so, I couldn't refrain from attacking it just for a bit. But we'll discuss this in more detail at some point. It's beginning, however, to be slightly on the qui vive, the fact is that resignation is accustomed to resignation and, I thought, it would give up the fight, but you see, I'm not inclined to do it yet. Anyway, perhaps I'll tell you later about the bête noire in question. Bloody bête noire! It does me good all the same." (JLB 190, 11/23/1881.)

Context:
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "If I ran after [Kee] with ulterior motives, money, for example, or lust, and thought, she can't escape me for this or that reason, I would be the damnedest of all Jesuits and Pharisees."

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "Well, I've grumbled a bit about Pa and Ma, but except that they really don't have the remotest idea of how matters stand, and understand nothing of the 'love on' ... "

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Father can't feel for or sympathize with me, and I can't settle into Father's and Mother's system, it is too stifling and would suffocate me."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Pa cannot empathize or sympathize with me, and I cannot settle in to Pa and Ma's routine, it's too constricting for me -- it would suffocate me."

Context:
BVG 212, 7/6/1882: "… my parents and hers were so steadfastly and ominously against it -- less by their words, though certainly by them too, than by their complete lack of warm, live sympathy."
JLB 244, 7/6/1882: "… my parents and hers were so adamantly ominous and opposed, not so much through their words ... as through their complete lack of genuine, warm, living sympathy."

Context:
BVG 169, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "That Father and Mother cannot live while there is all this bickering going on, etc., that's true, in so far as they are creating a desert around themselves and are earning themselves an unhappy old age when they could have a happy and contented one."
JLB 199, 1/8/1882 or 1/9/1882: "That Pa and Ma can't stand it if there's bad blood &c. That's true inasmuch as they create a desert around themselves and are making their old age miserable, even though it could be good and satisfying."

Context:
BVG 159, 11/18/1881: "But Father and Mother are harder than stone in the matter of "means of subsistence," as they call it."
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "But Pa and Ma are harder than stone on the point of 'a means of subsistence', as they call it."

Context:
BVG 159, 11/18/1881: "And indeed, I tell you (though they think me a weak character, a man of butter) that nothing in the world will make me give up this love."
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "And truly (though they take me to be a weak character, 'a man of butter'), I won't let anything in the world deter me from this love."

Context:
BVG 187, 4/15/1882: "Now I have become little more than a half strange, half tiresome person to Father and Mother; and for my part, when I'm at home, I also have a lonesome, empty feeling."
JLB 217, 4/14/1882: "As it is now, I'm half a stranger and half a tiresome person and precious little else to Pa and Ma, and for my part I have an empty, lonely feeling at home."

Context:
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "Pa and Ma have promised not to oppose it, provided it has nothing to do with them, as it were."

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "I do not understand how they can bear this, it is like being neither cold nor warm, and that is always a miserable thing."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "How they can stand this I cannot comprehend (it's like something neither cold nor hot, and that has something miserable about it)."

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "You say, "In the present case I should not lose courage if I were you, but I would let the thing rest with regard to people whom it does not concern."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "You say: in the present situation I shouldn't give up hope if I were you, but let the affair rest completely for the people who have nothing to do with it."

When the Strickers suggested that Kee was an eligible widow who might make "another, richer match" (JLB 180, 11/7/1881; emphasis added), Vincent recoiled in indignation: "The elder persons will change their minds about this matter not when Kee changes her mind but when I become someone who earns at least 1,000 guilders a year" (JLB 179, 11/3/1881). When his parents took up the same argument, Vincent reported bitterly: "Pa and Ma are harder than stone on the point of 'a means of subsistence', as they call it" (JLB 186, 11/18/1881). His initial defense would be laughable if it were not so sad: "If it were a question of marrying at once, I'd most certainly agree with them, but NOW it's a question of melting the no, nay, never, and a means of subsistence can't do that" (ibid.; emphasis in original). But then he lashed out furiously: "why does one talk about 'a means of subsistence' as though I had none? What artist hasn't struggled and toiled, and what other way is there than struggling and toiling to find firm ground beneath one's feet? And since when can someone with a draughtsman's fist not earn anything?" (JLB 187, 11/19/1881.) But the accusation clearly ate at him. He admitted to Theo that his claims about earning a living as a draftsman amounted to "selling bearskins that still belong to bears I haven't yet shot" (JLB 189, 11/23/1881), and confessed forlornly, "If a man has only love and isn't able to earn any money, there's also something the matter with him" (JLB 183, 11/12/1881).

Context:
BVG 154, 11/7/1881: "Not that I shall become anything extra-ordinary, but 'ordinary'; and by ordinary I mean that my work will be sound and reasonable, and will have a right to exist, and will serve some purpose" (emphasis added).
JLB 180, 11/7/1881: "Not that I'll become something extraordinary but something very 'ordinary' indeed, and by 'ordinary' I mean that my work will be sound and reasonable and will have a reason to exist and will be able to serve some purpose."

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "Perhaps it is not bad that I have lived so long 'underground,' as it were, that I have been 'one who has been down.'"
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "Perhaps it's no bad thing that I lived so long 'underground,' as it were. That I'm one 'who has been down.'"

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "But now I need not go back into the abyss, and I think it right to do away with all melancholy and to take a somewhat broader and more cheerful view of life -- to walk on level ground, and to renew old relations as much as possible, and to enter into new ones."
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "But now I don't need to return to the abyss and would do well, I think, to fling all melancholy to the winds and to live life a bit more freely and cheerfully on the ground floor. And to revive old relationships as much as possible and to begin new ones."

Context:
BVG R4, 11/12/1881: "I want to be silent -- and yet, because I must speak -- well then -- as it seems to me: to love and to be lovable -- to live -- to give life, to renew it, to restore it, to preserve it -- and to work, giving a spark for a spark, and above all to be good, to be useful, to be helpful in something, for instance lighting a fire, giving a slice of bread and butter to a child, a glass of water to a sufferer."
JLB 184, 11/12/1881: "I'd like to keep silent -- however, since we must speak -- ah, well -- it seems to me: to love and to be lovably -- to live, to give life, to renew it, to heal it, to preserve it, to work, to give back spark for spark; above all, to be good, to be useful -- to be of some use, to light the fire, for example, to give a child a piece of bread and butter, a sick man a glass of water."

Context:
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "It causes me much sorrow and grief but I refuse to accept that a father is right who curses his son and (think of last year) wants to send him to a madhouse (which I naturally opposed with all my might) and calls his son's love 'untimely and indelicate'! ... There are things that a man cannot take lying down. If one were to let himself be told 'you're a madman' or 'you're someone who breaks family ties' or you're 'indelicate', then anyone with a heart in his body would protest with all his might." (Emphasis in original.)

Context:
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "After that, though, I fear that steps will be taken to get rid of me."

Context:
BVG 158, 11/18/1881: "Now they say that 'I would be severing family ties.'"
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "Now it was said 'that I would break ties.'"

Context:
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "For a couple of days I spoke not a word and took not the slightest notice of either Pa or Ma. Reluctantly, but still, I wanted to make them feel what it would be like if ties really were broken."

Context:
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "For a couple of days I spoke not a word and took not the slightest notice of either Pa or Ma. Reluctantly, but still, I wanted to make them feel what it would be like if ties really were broken."

Context:
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "… I wanted to make them feel what it would be like if ties really were broken."

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "If she were a coquette and played with a man's heart, and the man did not see through her game, that man would be a fool, but a sublime fool-- if a fool can be sublime."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "If she were a coquette and played with a man's heart and the man didn't see her coquetry, that man would be a fool but a sublime fool, if a fool can in fact be sublime, which I don't really believe."

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "I think all in exchange for all is the real true thing -- that is it."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "It seems to me, exchanging everything for everything is the real, true thing, that's it, and now both extremes, first asking everything without giving anything, second asking nothing and giving everything."

Context:
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "I think that she is beginning to see that I'm not an intruder or bully, but rather quieter and calmer on the inside than I seem on the surface."

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "That means I count on her joining in many artistic campaigns with me, you see."
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "Which is to say that I'm counting on their accompanying me on many an artistic campaign, do you understand!"

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "Some time or other, very unexpectedly and unforeseen."

This is the first explicit step in a process of defining himself relative to Theo (and vice versa) that Vincent will continue for the rest of his life: Theo is the businessman; Vincent, the artist. Theo is calculating; Vincent, sensitive. Theo is diplomatic; Vincent, honest. "If you have a love story, speak about it openly," he writes. "Because I've been in that mysterious, deep pit of heartache, there's a slight chance that I can tell you something useful regarding some affair of the heart. I come to you with my drawings and practical matters to be healed, and who knows whether for my part I can't be of some use with respect to difficulties in love." (JLB 187, 11/19/1881.) There is more than a little defensive disdain in this characterization, one of the earliest coherent expressions of the deep resentment that Vincent is developing toward his successful younger brother.

Context:
JLB 182, 11/10/1881 or 11/11/1881: "... be careful not to indulge too much in idle fancies before you know for sure that it isn't a futile undertaking" (emphasis in original).

Context:
JLB 182, 11/10/1881-11/11/1881: "From the beginning of this love I've felt that unless I threw myself into it unreservedly, committing myself to it whole-heartedly, fully and forever, there would be absolutely no chance for me ..."

Context:
JLB 181, 11/8/1881-11/9/1881: "You won't betray me, brother!"

Context:
JLB 182, 11/11/1881: "Tell me now why they're unsaleable; how could I make saleable ones? Because I'd like to earn some travelling money now and then to go and plumb the depths of the no, nay, never."

Context:
BVG 153, 11/3/1881: "Anyway, that is what I hope to go on doing, and cast out despondency and gloom, meanwhile working hard -- and ever since I met her, I have been getting on much better with my work."
JLB 179, 11/3/1881: "At any rate, I hope to go on like this and to keep well away from melancholy and pessimism. Meanwhile working hard, and since meeting her my work is going much better."

Context:
BVG 155, 11/9/1881-11/10/1881: " Since I really love, there is more reality in my drawings, and I sit writing to you now in the little room with quite a collection around me of men, women and children from the "Heike," etc."
JLB 181, 11/9/1881-11/10/1881: "Since I love 'in reality' there's also more reality in my drawings and I'm now sitting in the little room, writing to you with a whole collection of men, women, children from Het Heike &c. all around me."

Context:
BVG 158, 11/18/1881: "I am sorry to say there is still something harsh and severe in my drawings, and I think that she, that is, her influence, is needed to soften that."
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "I'm sorry to say that there's still something stiff and severe in my drawings, and I think that she, namely her influence will be needed to soften that" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 158, 11/18/1881: "I am sorry to say there is still something harsh and severe in my drawings, and I think that she, that is, her influence, is needed to soften that."
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "I'm sorry to say that there's still something stiff and severe in my drawings, and I think that she, namely her influence will be needed to soften that" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "Brother, if you send it to me, I will make lots of drawings for you of the Heike, and whatever you want."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "If you, brother, would care to send me some travelling money, I'll make you a great many drawings of Het Heike and lots of other places."

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "For aimer encore is also the best recipe for dessiner encore."
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "Because the best means to go on drawing is to go on loving."

Context:
JLB 183, 11/12/1881: "If I don't do it soon, something might happen at the big celebration that could do me much harm. Don't ask me to be more specific."

Context:
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "Pa seems to want to curse me and put me out of the house, at least he said so this morning."

Context:
BVG 158, 11/18/1881: "Of course they were amazed at my behavior, [I'll be they were!] and when they said so, I replied, 'You see, that's what it would be like if there were no tie of affection between us; but luckily there is one and it will not be broken so easily, but I beg you to appreciate how dreadful that phrase, 'severing ties' really is, and not to use it any longer.'"
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "Naturally my behaviour surprised them and when they told me so I answered, You see, this is how it would be if there were no bond of affection between us, but fortunately it does exist and won't be so easily broken for the present, but now see for yourself, I beg you, how wretched words like 'breaking ties' really are, and don't say them any more" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 169, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "But as to such expressions as 'I cannot bear it,' 'it's killing me,' 'my life is embittered,' I no longer attach any importance to them, for that's only their little way."
JLB 199, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "But as to those expressions, 'I can't stand it', 'this will be the death of me', 'my life is a misery,' I no longer take any notice, because it's only a mannerism."

Context:
BVG 159, 11/18/1881: "And now that I have got so far, Father would say, Because you write letters to Kee and therefore make trouble between us (for this is the chief reason, for whatever they may say of my being too unconventional, or the like, it is just talk), because difficulties arise, I am showing you the door."
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "And now that I've got into my stride, should Pa say, because you're writing letters to Kee Vos, thereby causing difficulties between us (because this is the fundamental cause, and no matter what they might say: that I don't obey the 'rules of decorum' or whatever, it's all just idle talk), so because difficulties have arisen I curse you and drive you out of the house" (emphasis in original).

Context:
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "If, for example, Pa sees me with a French book by Michelet or V. Hugo in my hand, he thinks of arsonists and murderers and 'immorality.'"

Context:
BVG 159, 11/18/1881: "But then they bring up the story of a great-uncle who was infected with French ideas and took to drink, and so they insinuate that I shall do the same."
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "But then they come with a story about a great-uncle who had become obsessed with French ideas and had taken to drink, thus insinuating that such will be my career in life."

Context:
BVG 159, 11/18/1881: "I told Father that under the circumstances I attached more value to Michelet's advice than to his own, if I had to choose which of the two I should follow."
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "I also told Pa frankly that in the circumstances I valued Michelet's advice more than his, and had to choose which of the two I should follow."

Vincent's letters are thick with such rants. He railed against his father relentlessly, calling him, inter alia, "narrow-minded," "hard-hearted," "inhumane," and "bigoted" (JLB 185, 11/18/1881). He dismissed his father's arguments as "Jesuitisms" (JLB 199, 1/8/1882 or 1/9/1882) -- a sharp barb to a Protestant pastor -- and his advice as a "tuppence-worth of wisdom" (JLB 234, 6/1/1882-6/2/1882). Whenever Vincent demanded immediate action, Dorus advised waiting -- advice that Vincent found "quite inappropriate" (ibid.). When Dorus tried to ignore him, muttering "I can't stand it" Vincent found the silence even more infuriating than the fighting: "Pa regularly comes up with some such saying if someone says something to him that he doesn't know how to answer, and says, among other things, 'you'll be the death of me', while calmly reading the newspaper and smoking his pipe" (JLB 199, 1/8/1882 or 1/9/1882). When Dorus instead flew into a rage, Vincent took it as a victory and reveled in defiance. "[He] is used to people being afraid, and it surprises Pa if people don't give way to his anger" (ibid.).

Context:
BVG 169, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "Father is extremely touchy and irritable and obstinate in domestic affairs and is used to having his way."
JLB 199, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "Pa is very easily hurt and irritable and full of obstinacies in domestic life and is used to getting his way."

Context:
BVG 204, 6/1/1882-6/2/1882: "So Father had best keep his 'waiting' to himself, for if he came out with it, I should not be able to contain myself."
JLB 234, 6/1/1882-6/2/1882: "So let Pa keep his 'wait' to himself, for if he should say it I couldn't restrain myself."

Context:
BVG 169, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "But as to such expressions as "I cannot bear it," "it's killing me," "my life is embittered," I no longer attach any importance to them, for that's only their little way."
JLB 199, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "But as to those expressions, 'I can't stand it', 'this will be the death of me', 'my life is a misery', I no longer take any notice, because it's only a mannerism."

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "To believe in God (that does not mean that you should believe all the sermons of the clergymen and the arguments and Jesuitism of the "bégueules dévotes collet monté" [bigoted, genteel prudes], far from it); to me, to believe in God is to feel that there is a God, not dead or stuffed but alive, urging us toward aimer encore with irresistible force -- that is my opinion."
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "To believe in God -- by that I mean (not that you should believe all those petty sermons of the ministers and the arguments and Jesuitry of the prudish, the sanctimonious, the strait-laced, far from it) -- to believe in God, by that I mean feeling that there is a God, not a dead or stuffed God, but a living one who pushes us with irresistible force in the direction of 'Love on.'"

Context:
BVG 158, 11/18/1881: "In a word, that to me their way of thinking seemed narrow-minded, neither full nor generous enough; and also that to me 'God' would ring nothing but hollow if one had to hide one's love and were not allowed to follow the dictates of one's heart."
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "… the word 'God' would have only a hollow ring to it if one had to conceal love and wasn't allowed to follow one's heart's promptings."

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "To believe in God (that does not mean that you should believe all the sermons of the clergymen and the arguments and Jesuitism of the "bégueules dévotes collet monté" [bigoted, genteel prudes], far from it); to me, to believe in God is to feel that there is a God, not dead or stuffed but alive, urging us toward aimer encore with irresistible force -- that is my opinion."
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "To believe in God -- by that I mean (not that you should believe all those petty sermons of the ministers and the arguments and Jesuitry of the prudish, the sanctimonious, the strait-laced, far from it) -- to believe in God, by that I mean feeling that there is a God, not a dead or stuffed God, but a living one who pushes us with irresistible force in the direction of 'Love on.'"

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Whenever I tell Father anything, it goes in one ear and out the other, and that certainly applies no less to Mother, and similarly I find Father and Mother's sermons and ideas about God, people, morality and virtue a lot of stuff and nonsense."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Whenever I tell Pa anything, it's all just idle talk to him, and certainly no less so to Ma, and I also find Pa and Ma's sermons and ideas about God, people, morality, virtue, almost complete nonsense."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "I also read the Bible sometimes, just as I sometimes read Michelet or Balzac or Eliot ... But all that drivel about good and evil, morality and immorality, I actually care so little about it."

Context:
JLB 199, 1/8/1882 or 1/9/1882: "Pa gets incredibly angry and is used to people being afraid, and it surprises Pa if people don't give way to his anger."

Context:
BVG 159, 11/18/1881: "And now that I have got so far, Father would say, Because you write letters to Kee and therefore make trouble between us (for this is the chief reason, for whatever they may say of my being too unconventional, or the like, it is just talk), because difficulties arise, I am showing you the door."
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "And now that I've got into my stride, should Pa say, because you're writing letters to Kee Vos, thereby causing difficulties between us (because this is the fundamental cause, and no matter what they might say: that I don't obey the 'rules of decorum' or whatever, it's all just idle talk), so because difficulties have arisen I curse you and drive you out of the house" (emphasis in original).

Context:
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "I'd firmly resolved to let his anger burst forth, for God's sake."

Context:
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "There are things that a man cannot take lying down" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 158, 11/18/1881: "If one hears people saying 'you are mad' or 'you are someone who severs family ties' or 'you are indelicate,' then anyone with a heart in his body will protest with all his might."
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: "If one were to let himself be told 'you're a madman' or 'you're someone who breaks family ties' or you're 'indelicate,' then anyone with a heart in his body would protest with all his might."

Context:
BVG 162, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "'Meanwhile' I have been to Amsterdam. Uncle Stricker was rather angry, though he gave vent to it in more polite words than 'God damn you.'"
JLB 191, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "'Meanwhile' I've been to Amsterdam. J.P.S. was rather angry, although he expressed it in more polished words than God damn you."

Context:
BVG 158, 11/18/1881: "In anger Father also said something about my having to move away somewhere else, but because it was said in anger, I do not attach much importance to it."
JLB 185, 11/18/1881: " Also IN ANGER, Pa said something about my having to move somewhere else, but because it was said IN ANGER I don't attach much importance to it" (emphasis in original).

Context:
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "No, no, one can't just let that happen ... and if I were wrenched from this environment I'd have to start all over again doing something else and this would come to a standstill, half-finished! That mustn't happen!"

Context:
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "A forceful word from you could perhaps straighten things out."

Context:
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "No, no, no, ... it can't be good that they curse me and want me out of the house at this very time."

Context:
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "I'd rather give up the work started and all the comforts of this house than resign myself one iota to leaving off writing to her or her parents ..."

Context:
BVG 159, 11/18/1881: "If I have only 20 or 30 francs, I can at least see her face once more."
JLB 186, 11/18/1881: "If I have but 20 or 30 francs, at least I can see her face once again."

Context:
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "I'm very glad that you wrote to Pa and Ma about this and that. It seems to me that it can't help but do some good -- especially in the long run."

Context:
JLB 187, 11/19/1881: "I don't think I've ever received money with more gratitude than that money from you, because it was so unbearable for me to think that if I did have to go I wouldn't be able to."

Context:
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "By means of a registered letter, for I fear that 'unregistered' letters would fail to hit the mark. But he'll have to read this one, in which I've tried to draw His Hon.'s attention to various matters which I'm afraid had slipped his mind to some extent and which he didn't want to take seriously. It's an 'impolitic', very daring letter, but one which will -- of this I'm certain -- at least make an impression on His Hon."

Context:
BVG 161, 11/23/1881: "… perhaps at first it will cause him to use a certain expletive which he certainly would not use in a sermon."
JLB 189, 11/23/1881: "Perhaps resulting at first, however, in a certain 'expletive' that His Hon. certainly wouldn't use in a sermon."

Context:
JLB 183,: 11/12/1881: "Even if it's only 20 francs, perhaps I'll get another 10 from Pa ('leaving him out of it, as it were; turning a blind eye') AND THEN i'll CLEAR OFF WITH NO TIME TO LOSE" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 157, 11/12/1881: "If it is only 20 fr., Father will perhaps give me another 10 (leaving him out of it, "pretending not to know") et alors je décampe plus vite que ça. As-tu compris, mon cher [and then I'll rush off at a tremendous speed]!"
JLB 183: 11/12/1881: "Even if it's only 20 francs, perhaps I'll get another 10 from Pa ('leaving him out of it, as it were; turning a blind eye') AND THEN i'll CLEAR OFF WITH NO TIME TO LOSE" (emphasis in original).

Context:
JLB 182, 11/10/1881 or 11/11/1881: "Because if I come very unexpectedly it's possible he won't be able to do anything but turn a blind eye to it for the sake of peace and quiet."

Context:
BVG 156, 11/10/1881-11/11/1881: "For when I do arrive entirely unannounced, he might perhaps have no alternative but to turn a blind eye for the sake of peace."
JLB 182, 11/10/1881-11/11/1881: "Because if I come very unexpectedly it's possible he won't be able to do anything but turn a blind eye to it for the sake of peace and quiet."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "And naturally I rang the bell and heard that the family were still at table."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "… they all still had a plate in front of them, and there wasn't a plate too many. This small detail caught my eye. They wanted to make me think that Kee wasn't there, and had taken away her plate, but I knew she was there …"

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "They wanted to make me think that Kee wasn't there, and had taken away her plate, but I knew she was there …"

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "And the missus said, Kee's out."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Then J.P.S. said, Kee left the house as soon as she heard you were here."

Context:
JLB 244, 7/6/1882: "When I discovered in Amsterdam that she had a sort of dislike for me, which I didn't think was the case, to such an extent that she regarded my behaviour as coercion and wasn't even prepared to see me, but 'that she went out of the door of her own house as long as I was inside it', then -- but not before -- my love for her received a mortal blow."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Well, then the professor disappeared and little Jan disappeared and J.P.S. [Uncle Stricker] and his spouse and yours truly remained alone and squared up to each other."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "Well, the professor disappeared and little Jan Vos disappeared, and J.P.S. [Uncle Stricker] and the wife of the same and yours truly remained alone and got ourselves into position."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And so we continued, and every so often Aunt M. would add a peculiarly Jesuitical word, and I got a bit steamed up and for once I did not pull my punches."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "We went on like this, and once in a while Aunt M. put in a very Jesuitical word, and I got quite warm and finally lost my temper."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And J.P.S. did not pull his punches either, going as far as a clergyman could. And although he did not exactly say 'God damn you,' anyone other than a clergyman in Uncle S.'s mood would have expressed himself thus."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "And J.P.S. lost his temper too, as much as a clergyman can lose his temper. And even though he didn't exactly say 'God damn you,' anyone other than a clergyman in J.P.S.'s mood would have expressed himself that way."

Context:
JLB 191, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "I've been to Amsterdam. J.P.S. [Uncle Stricker] was rather angry."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "And J.P.S. [Uncle Stricker] lost his temper too, as much as a clergyman can lose his temper. And even though he didn't exactly say 'God damn you,' anyone other than a clergyman in J.P.S.'s mood would have expressed himself that way."

There are undoubtedly bits of truth in this account, but, as a whole, it is impossible to reconcile with Vincent's other accounts of his visit and we suspect that it represents an initial effort to soften and whitewash an incident that certainly did not flatter Vincent in his brother's eyes. Vincent admits as much a few months later when he writes, "You know how I was refused [by Kee and her parents], the only thing I asked for after that was to be received during my visit to Amsterdam" (JLB 225, 5/10/1882). He then proceeds to give Theo some of the gruesome details of the arguments, including the dramatic scene in which he put his hand over a lamp flame and the ugly suggestion by Kee's brother Jan that "nothing but rijksdaalders [money valuing 2.5 guilders] would have any effect" that love could not (JLB 228, 5/16/1882).

In fact, Vincent's initial account is hard to reconcile with these new stories. Did they take place during Vincent's visit the first night or the second night? If the second, it suggests, at the least, that whatever kindnesses the Strickers showed at the end of the first night, they did not really calm him down as he claimed. According to Vincent's account, the scene with the brother could not have happened the first night because that night everyone but his aunt and uncle left the room before the confrontation began (JLB 193, 12/23/1881). Also, immediately after leaving Amsterdam, he wrote Theo: "I didn't return less in love than I went. Not because she encouraged me, though. On the contrary, for a moment or rather 24 hours or so she made me extremely miserable." (JLB 191, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881.) The twenty-four hours referred to must be the time between his first visit Friday night (November 25) and his second, the next night. He left on Sunday morning. Yet Vincent later admits that he saw a prostitute one of the two nights he was in Amsterdam. This would probably have been Saturday night, as he seems not to have accepted that Kee did not love him until after the second time she hid from him (JLB 244, 7/6/1882). Yet this scenario, too, does not support his claims for the immediate conciliatory effects of his aunt and uncle's "half-kindness," which suggests that they were invented or exaggerated in the retelling (JLB 193, 12/23/1881).

Context:
JLB 228, 5/16/1882: "When you are in the house Kee will leave it."

Context:
BVG 194, 5/4/1882-5/12/1882: "They told me I wanted to coerce her; she refused to see me, to speak to me -- not during one visit, but during the three days of my stay."
JLB 225, 5/4/1882-5/12/1882: "At that time I was told that I wanted to force the matter -- she wouldn't see me, wouldn't speak to me, not only upon that one visit but during the 3 days of my stay there."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And I said that they ought to know that though they wanted me to consider the matter over and done with, I for my part was unable to do so."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "And I said that they ought to know that although they wanted me to consider the matter over and done with, I couldn't bring myself to do it."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "The document was Very Reverend and Most Learned and so did not really amount to anything, but it did seem to say that I was requested to cease my correspondence and advised to make energetic efforts to put the matter out of my mind."
JLB 193 12/21/1881: "The writing was reverent and very learned and so there wasn't really anything in it, though it did seem to say that I was being requested to stop corresponding and I was given the advice to make vigorous attempts to forget the matter."

This passage clearly suggests that Vincent thought one of Kee's considerations in rejecting him was his financial situation. In this, however, she was only acting out of a "sense of duty" to her young son, not out of "improper" financial motives (i.e., gold-digging). Vincent attributes the more exaggerated version of this consideration mentioned in JLB 228 (and excised by Bonger) to "other people" -- clearly Kee's brother Jan (JLB 228, 5/16/1882). Given Vincent's sensitivities at the time, it is likely that he added his own layer of exaggeration to the brother's suggestion that Kee might be available for the right amount of money. By the time of the later letter, however, Vincent was no longer trying to explain Kee's refusal as purely financial but against her heart. "I presume nothing as regards [her] love for me" (ibid.).

Context:
BVG 194, 5/4/1882-5/12/1882: "But during my visit to Amsterdam I had such a definite refusal that there wasn't the slightest chance of winning her unless my financial circumstances changed totally in a short time."
JLB 225, 5/4/1882-5/12/1882: "Well, during my visit to Amsterdam, I was refused so resolutely that I didn't have the slightest chance of winning her. Unless my financial circumstances were to change quickly and completely."

Context:
BVG 193, 5/14/1882: "She answers, 'Certainly not him,' to your 'she, and no other.'"
JLB 228, 5/14/1882: "… our 'she and no other' is opposed by her 'certainly not him.'"

Context:
BVG 193, 5/14/1882: "There they told me, "When you are in the house, Kee leaves it. She answers, 'Certainly not him,' to your 'she, and no other;' your persistence is disgusting."
JLB 228, 5/14/1882: "When you are in the house Kee will leave it. Your 'she and no other' is opposed by her 'certainly not him' -- your persistence is sickening" (emphasis original).

Context:
BVG 193, 5/14/1882: "I put my hand in the flame of the lamp and said, 'Let me see her for as long as I can keep my hand in the flame' …"
JLB 228, 5/16/1882: "I put my fingers in the flame of the lamp and said, let me see her for as long as I hold my hand in the flame."

Context:
JLB 228, 5/16/1882: "But they blew the lamp out, I believe, and said, you shall not see her" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 193, 5/14/1882: "But I think they blew out the lamp and said, 'You will not see her.'"
JLB 228, 5/16/1882: "But they blew the lamp out, I believe, and said, you shall not see her" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "I stayed in Amsterdam another two days and had another talk with J.P.S., but I didn't see Kee, who spirited herself away every time."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "I stayed in Amsterdam two more days and talked with J.P.S. again, but I didn't see Kee, she made herself scarce each time."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "As long as she doesn't become an angel or a devil, then the present case is not over."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "So long as she doesn't become an angel or a devil, the case in question isn't over."

Context:
BVG 212, 7/6/1882: "When I unexpectedly learned in Amsterdam that she had a kind of aversion to me, that she considered my behaviour as coercing her and refused even to see me, and that 'she left the house as soon as I entered it' -- then, but not before, that love for her received a death blow."
JLB 244, 7/6/1882: "When I discovered in Amsterdam that she had a sort of dislike for me, which I didn't think was the case, to such an extent that she regarded my behaviour as coercion and wasn't even prepared to see me, but 'that she went out of the door of her own house as long as I was inside it', then -- but not before -- my love for her received a mortal blow."

Context:
BVG 212, 7/6/1882: "I then felt an inexpressible melancholy inside, which I cannot possibly describe. ... The emptiness, the unutterable misery within me made me think, Yes, I can understand people drowning themselves."
JLB 244, 7/6/1882: "At that time there was a sense of inexpressible melancholy in me which I find impossible to describe. ... The emptiness, the inexpressible wretchedness inside, made me think -- yes, I can understand why there are people who jump into the water ..."

Context:
BVG 212, 7/6/1882: "I then felt an inexpressible melancholy inside, which I cannot possibly describe. ... The emptiness, the unutterable misery within me made me think, Yes, I can understand people drowning themselves."(JLB 244, 7/6/1882): "At that time there was a sense of inexpressible melancholy in me which I find impossible to describe. ... The emptiness, the inexpressible wretchedness inside, made me think - yes, I can understand why there are people who jump into the water ... "

Context:
JLB 244, 7/6/1882: " 'It has always seemed to me that suicide is the act of a dishonest man.'"

Context:
JLB 244, 7/6/1882: "... I found solidity in the words I've quoted, and thought it much the better approach to get hold of oneself and seek a medicine in work."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "… Pa isn't the kind of man for whom I can feel what I feel for you, for example, or for Mauve."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "And I said: listen M[auve], you were supposed to come to Etten to try and initiate me, more or less, into the mysteries of the palette."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And I said, "Look here, M[auve], you were supposed to come to Etten to try to initiate me, more or less, into the mysteries of the palette."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "And I said: listen M[auve], you were supposed to come to Etten to try and initiate me, more or less, into the mysteries of the palette."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "When I arrived at M[auve]'s, my heart was beating quite hard, because I was thinking to myself, is he going to try to fob me off with fair words too or am I going to find something different here?"
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "When I went to see Mauve my heart was beating rather hard, because I was thinking to myself, will he too try and fob me off or will I find something else here?"

Context:
BVG 162, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "I said to Mauve, Do you approve of my coming here for a month or so, and occasionally troubling you for some help and advice? After that I shall have overcome the first petites misères of painting, and then I shall go back to the Heike."
JLB 191, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "I spoke to Mauve and said, would you approve if I were to come and trouble you for a good month or so -- then when that time is up I'll be past the first petty vexations of painting and will go back to Het Heike."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "It's a bit impertinent of me to ask so much of you, but, well, j'ai l'épée dans les reins."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "It's extremely impertinent of me to demand so much of you, but in short, I'm under a great deal of pressure."

Context:
JLB 191, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "I'm staying near Mauve in a small boarding-house where I pay 30 guilders a month for bed and breakfast."

Context:
JLB 192, 12/18/1881: "I'm still going to Mauve's every day, during the day to paint, in the evenings to draw."

Context:
JLB 192, 12/18/1881: "How marvellous watercolour is for expressing space and airiness, allowing the figure to be part of the atmosphere and life to enter it."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And well, what I found was that in all sorts of practical and friendly ways he helped and encouraged me."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "And well, what I experienced with him was that he instructed and encouraged me in all manner of kind and practical ways."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Just think of how I have been muddling along for years, always in a kind of fausse [false] position. And now there is a glimmering of real light."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Just think of how I've slogged away for years, always in a kind of false position. And now, now there's a glimmer of real light."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: " I wish you could see the two watercolours I have brought back with me, for you would realize that they are watercolours just like any other watercolours."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: " I do wish that you could see the two watercolours I've brought with me, because you would see that they're watercolours just like any other watercolours."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "And so I now consider myself to be at the beginning of the beginning of making something serious."

Context:
BVG 162, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "'Meanwhile' I have been to Amsterdam. Uncle Stricker was rather angry, though he gave vent to it in more polite words than 'God damn you.'"
JLB 191, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "'Meanwhile' I've been to Amsterdam. J.P.S. [Uncle Stricker] was rather angry, although he expressed it in more polished words than God damn you."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And the spur, the spark we need, is love, and not mystical love either."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "And the stimulus, the spark of fire we need, that is love and I don't exactly mean mystic love."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "Then I thought to myself, I'd like to be with a woman, I can't live without love, without a woman. I wouldn't care a fig for life if there wasn't something infinite, something deep, something real."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Sometimes, I'm afraid, you cast a book aside because it is too realistic. Have pity on, and patience with, this letter, and in any case read it through, even though you may think it a bit much."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Sometimes, I fear, you throw a book away because it's too realistic. Have compassion and patience with this letter, and read it through, despite its severity."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "She lived in a modest, simple little room lent a quiet grey tone by the plain wallpaper, yet warm like a picture by Chardin, a wooden floor with a mat and a piece of old dark-red carpet, an ordinary kitchen stove, a chest of drawers, a large, perfectly simple bed, in short, a real ouvrière's [worker's] home."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "It was a sober, simple little room she lived in, with a subdued, grey tone because of the plain wallpaper and yet as warm as a painting by Chardin, a wooden floor with a mat and an old piece of dark-red carpet, an ordinary kitchen stove, a chest of drawers, a large, perfectly simple bed, in short, a real working woman's interior."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Ah, and she was strong and healthy -- and yet not coarse, not common."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Ah, and she was strong and healthy -- and yet not rough, not common."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "I should have found her no more charming in a purple camisole jacket and a black skirt than I did now in a dress of brown or reddish-grey. And she was no longer young, perhaps the same age as K[ee] V[os]."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "I would have found her just as charming in a purple jacket and a black skirt as now in a brown or red-grey frock. And she was no longer young, perhaps the same age as K[ee] V[os]."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "… she had a child, yes, life had left its mark and her youth was gone. Gone? -- il n'y a point de vielle femme [there are no old women]."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "… she had a child, yes, life had given her a drubbing and her youth was gone. Gone? -- there is no such thing as an old woman."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Ah, and she was strong and healthy -- and yet not coarse, not common."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Ah, and she was strong and healthy -- and yet not rough, not common."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "If [Kee] wants to hold on to an old love and have nothing to do with a new, that is her affair, but if she insists on doing that and cold-shoulders me, I shan't stifle my energy and my mental powers on her account. No, I refuse to do that, I love her but I will not allow myself to become frozen and my mind crippled because of her."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "If [Kee] wants to subsist on an old love and if she wants to know nothing of new ones, that's her business, but the more she perseveres in that and avoids me, the more I can't just stifle my energy and strength of mind for her sake. No, I don't want that, I love her, but I don't want to freeze and deaden my mind for her sake."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And I don't think it ever occurs to her that God may only appear once we say the words, those words with which Multatuli ends his prayer of an unbeliever: 'Oh God, there is no God.'"
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "And I don't think it occurs to her that perhaps God only actually begins when we say those words with which Multatuli closes his prayer of an unbeliever: 'O God, there is no God'" (emphasis in original).

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "[F]or me that God of the clergy is as dead as a doornail. But does that make me an atheist? Clergymen consider me one -- que soit -- but you see, I love, and how could I feel love if I were not alive myself or if others were not alive, and if we are alive there is something wondrous about it. Now call that God or human nature or whatever you like, but there is a certain something I cannot define systematically, although it is very much alive and real, and you see, for me that something is God or as good as God."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Look, I find the clergymen's God as dead as a doornail. But does that make me an atheist? The clergymen think me one -- be that as it may -- but look, I love, and how could I feel love if I myself weren't alive and others weren't alive? And if we live, there's something wondrous about it. Call it God or human nature or what you will, but there's a certain something that I can't define in a system, even though it's very much alive and real, and you see, for me it's God or just as good as God."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "But does that make me an atheist? Clergymen consider me one -- que soit -- but you see, I love, and how could I feel love if I were not alive myself …"
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "But does that make me an atheist? The clergymen think me one -- be that as it may -- but look, I love, and how could I feel love if I myself weren't alive and others weren't alive?

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "But that didn't alter the fact that he had a browbeaten feeling, as if he had been standing too long against a cold, hard whitewashed church wall."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "But that didn't alter the fact that he felt overwhelmed, that he felt as though he had been leaning against a cold, hard, whitewashed church wall for too long."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And you cannot imagine the feeling of liberation I am beginning to have when I remember the things M. has told me about earning money."
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: "And you can't imagine the feeling of relief I'm beginning to get when I think of the things M. said to me about earning money."

Context:
BVG 162, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881: "In short, Theo, I think I shall daily become more realistic in everything. Thank God she is something very real, too."
JLB 191, 2/1/1881-12/3/1881: "In short, Theo, every day I'll become more of a realist in all things, I think. She, thank God, is also something very real." (Emphasis in original.)

Context:
JLB 192, 12/18/1881: "I'd like to stay here a while longer, would even like to rent a room here for a couple of months … and possibly for more than a couple of months."

Context:
JLB 192, 12/18/1881: "I'd like nothing better, but accommodation here and the models and the paint and the paper &c. &c. all cost me money, and I haven't got any more."

Context:
JLB 192, 12/18/1881: "I've also paid the model for several days. And needed a pair of shoes, and besides, I didn't always pay attention to every penny, so that I've rather exceeded the 100-franc limit, for the whole trip has now cost me 90 guilders altogether."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "And yes, if I may say so, my dear fellow, it is a little risky to remain a realist, but Theo, Theo, you are a realist yourself after all, well, please put up with my realism!"
JLB 193, 12/21/1881: " It's rather daring to remain a realist, but Theo, Theo, you too are a realist, oh bear with my realism!"

Context:
JLB 177, 10/17/1881: "… I hope to write to you soon in more detail, namely after Mauve's visit, who's going to Princenhage soon and will also come here."

Context:
JLB 199, 1/8 or 1/9/1882: "I didn't 'contrive' to do it, on the contrary, when Pa was here, Mauve, Pa and I talked about my renting a studio in Etten -- spending the winter there -- coming back to The Hague in the spring."

Context:
JLB 192, 12/18/1881: "I'll have to see about renting a large room somewhere in which I can stand back a sufficient distance, otherwise figure drawing isn't really possible, except for studying a few fragments."

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: " Father must stay out of it. Father is not the man to get mixed up in artistic matters. And the less I am involved in dealings with Father, the better I get on with him. I must be free and independent in very many respects, that goes without saying."
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: " Pa has to stay out of it. Pa isn't the right man to get mixed up in artistic matters. And the less I have to do with Pa in business matters, the better I'll get along with Pa. But I have to be free and independent in many things, that goes without saying."

Context:
JLB 177, 10/17/1881: "Well, recently I've done a great deal of drawing, especially figure studies. If you saw them now, you'd surely see what direction I'm taking. ... Have also drawn some children recently, and I liked that very much."

Context:
JLB 197, 1/5/1882: "I've already seen a shed, though it has too many inconveniences, especially in the winter. But I'd be able to work there, at least when the weather is milder."

Context:
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Now I must arrange to rent a large room somewhere, be it a room or a shed."

Context:
JLB 182, 11/10/1881 or 11/11/1881: "I've sent you a few drawings because I thought, perhaps he'll find something of Het Heike in them."

Context:
BVG 169, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "... when I am in a calm mood, I don't talk about it, although it is a different matter when they try to force me to go to church, for instance, or to attach importance to doing so, for then I naturally tell them that it is completely out of the question."
JLB 199, 1/8 or 1/9/1882: "It's only in a calm mood that I don't talk about it, but it's something else if one tries, for instance, to force me to go to church or to attach value to it, then of course I say it's absolutely out of the question."

Context:
BVG 166, 12/29/1881: "I frankly said that I thought their whole system of religion horrible, and just because I had gone too deeply into those questions during a miserable period in my life, I did not want to think of them any more, and must keep clear of them as of something fatal."
JLB 194, 12/29/1881: "I told Pa plainly that I found the whole system of that religion loathsome, and precisely because I dwelled on those things too much during a miserable time in my life I don't want anything more to do with it, and have to guard against it as against something fatal."

Context:
JLB 194, 12/29/1881: "I was angrier than I ever remember being in my whole life ..."

Context:
BVG 166, 12/29/1881: "On Christmas Day I had a violent scene with Father, and it went so far that Father told me I had better leave the house."
JLB 194, 12/29/1881: "At Christmas I had a rather violent argument with Pa, and feelings ran so high that Pa said it would be better if I left home."

Context:
JLB 199, 1/8/1882 or 1/9/1882: "'Fighting with an old man isn't difficult &c.' Because Pa is an old man I've spared him a hundred times, and tolerated things that are well-nigh intolerable. Well, this time it wasn't fighting but simply saying 'enough', and because he wasn't listening to reason and common sense I said it outright for once, and it's very good indeed that Pa has finally heard one thing and another spoken plainly that others sometimes think as well."

Context:
JLB 199, 1/8/1882 or 1/9/1882: "I'm not Pa's enemy if I tell him the truth for once, not even when I said it angrily in salty language. Only it didn't help me at all, and Pa took it badly." (Emphasis added.)

Context:
JLB 199, 1/8 or 1/9/1882: "Because Pa is an old man I've spared him a hundred times, and tolerated things that are well-nigh intolerable."

Context:
BVG 169, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "And when my plans were thwarted, after they had been discussed with M[auve] and I had already entered into correspondence with him about the studio in question (a shed in need of some repair), I could no longer contain my anger."
JLB 199, 1/8 or 1/9/1882: "And when I was crossed in realizing that plan, after M[auve] had been consulted and I had already written to him about the studio in question (a shed which needed some repairs), I couldn't suppress my anger."

Context:
BVG 169, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "Anyway, there wasn't any fighting this time either, but just an 'enough!'"
JLB 199, 1/8 or 1/9/1882: "Well, this time it wasn't fighting but simply saying 'enough.'"

Context:
BVG 169, 1/5/1882-1/8/1882: "When somebody tells me decisively, 'Get out of my house, the sooner the better, in half an hour rather than an hour,' well then, my dear fellow, it doesn't take a quarter of an hour for me to leave, never to return either."
JLB 199, 1/8 or 1/9/1882: "When someone tells me in no uncertain terms, 'leave my house, the sooner the better, within the half-hour rather than the hour', well, old chap, then I'm out in less than a quarter of an hour, and won't come back again either."

Context:
JLB 411, 12/8/1883: "I did touch on it indirectly, though; I told Pa that in my view it was a great mistake that at a certain point (two years ago) I was forced to leave the house."

Context:
JLB 374, 8/17/1883: "… it is and will remain a wound which I live above but which is there deep down and cannot heal -- years from now it will be what it was the first day."

As Van Heugten discusses with admirable clarity, the question of which painting was Vincent's first has long been clouded with inaccuracies (Van Heugten, pp. 30-35). For many years, it was thought to be Still Life with Cabbage and Clogs (F 1 JH 81, November-December, 1881, oil on paper, 13.4 by 21.7 in., 34 by 55 cm., Van Gogh Museum: Amsterdam) because it is sketched in a letter from c. December 18, and referred to therein as "a white cabbage and some potatoes &c" (JLB 192, 12/18/1881). However, the first mention of a still life occurs in the previous letter: "Well, Mauve immediately installed me in front of a still life consisting of a couple of old clogs and other objects" (JLB 191, 12/1/1881-12/3/1881). This is Still Life with Earthenware, Bottle and Clogs (F 63 JH 920, November-December, 1881, oil on canvas on panel, 15.4 by 16.3 in., 39 by 41.5 cm., Kröller-Müller Museum: Otterlo, the Netherlands). Vincent wrote that he had done "5 studies" (JLB 192, 12/18/1881) but neither of the other two known paintings depict clogs. The fourth study, which he also sketched in JLB 192, of a "terracotta head of a child wearing a fur cap," has disappeared (ibid.). The other is unknown. (See JLB 192, 12/18/1881; n. 1.)

Context:
BVG 164, 12/21/1881: "Well, the next day we set up a still life and he started by saying, 'This is how you must hold your palette.'"
JLB 193, 12/23/1881: "Well, and the next day we set up a still life and he began by saying, This is how you should hold your palette."

Context:
BVG 165, 12/22/1881-12/24/1881: "For, Theo, with painting my real career begins."
JLB 177 10/17/1881: "Because, Theo, my actual career begins with painting, don't you think it's all right to see it that way?"